There is this couple, and the wife is very self conscious. She is always asking her husband if she is still pretty, if she is too fat, and if her boobs are okay. Well, one day she is standing in front of the mirror naked and asks her husband, ‘Honey, are my boobs too small? ‘No, honey, they are fine.’ He replies. ‘Are you sure?” Yes, but if you want to make them bigger, then why don’t you try rubbing toilet paper between them. ‘So for the next couple of weeks the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day. At the end of a couple of weeks she gets in front of the mirror again. ‘Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work? ‘Well, you have been rubbing toilet paper between your ass all these years and that’s getting bigger!’
Author: admin
Muffins
there are two muffins in an oven. 1 muffin says to the other one
“it sure is hot in here” and the other muffin says
“AHHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!”
Another Jacko Joke
Why does Michael Jackson shop at Wal-Mart?
He saw a sign that said, “Boys underwear half off!”
Submitted by Sammb
Edited by Curtis
Peanuts?
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,”
he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?” replied the man in disbelief.
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Bad monkey
Why was the monkey locked in the bathroom?
because he was talking to girls.
Wannap Knock Knock
Knock knockWho’s thereWannapWannap WhoWell go the bloody toilet then
Torrid Affair
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where he’s been.
The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.
That’s why I’m late.”
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!”
Funny mistake
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new
business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in
Peace”.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he
had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he
was, the florist said. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake,
but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere
there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers
with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
One last time for the old guy
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, “Doc, I’m turning eighty tomorrow. I’ve hired a hooker for the night, and I’d love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that’ll get me up?”The doctor smiled. “I don’t normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night.”Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, “How’s it going?””Fabulous,” the old man said. “I’ve come three times already.””That’s great,” the doctor said. “the hooker must be astounded.””Not exactly,” the old man said. “She’s not here yet.”
GOD
Two guys are sitting in a mental asylum. One says to the other,
“I am Napoleon Bonaparte!” The other guy says, “Yeah, and God
told me I’m normal.” Then you hear a scream from a corner, “No I
did not!!!”
Smart Cow
A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.
“I believe it’s your radiator,” said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.
“A cow just gave me advice about my car!” he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. “The cow with two big black spots on it?” the farmer asked slowly.
“Yes! Yes! That’s the one!” the excited man replied.
“Oh. Well, that’s Ethel,” the farmer said, turning back to the man. “Don’t pay any attention to her. She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
De 8 a�os la llevas
De 8 a�os la llevas a la cama y le cuentas un cuento.
De 18 a�os le cuentas un cuento y te la llevas a la cama.
De 28 a�os no necesitas contarle ning�n cuento para llev�rtela a la cama.
De 38 a�os ella te cuenta un cuento y te lleva a la cama.
De 48 a�os le cuentas un cuento para evitar ir a la cama.
De 58 a�os ella te dice: T� en la cama ya eres puro cuento.
De 68 a�os eres t� quien no quiere saber nada de cuentos ni de camas.
De 88 a�os apenas ven la cama pero no se acuerdan como era el cuento.