There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.”The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to punch you.”The Scotsman said, “Keep the lousy egg.”
Author: admin
Far-away talent always seems better
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
More Redneck One-liners!
You just might be a Redneck if:
You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as ” your senior year.”
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
Confucius say
Confucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.
Lesbian
Two gay men were strolling arm-in-arm along the sidewalk when a really gorgeous blonde passed them by.
She was a stunning beauty with an absolutely perfect body.
One gay remarked to the other, “You know, there’s times when I almost wish I was a lesbian.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Ak
did you know the toohbrush was invented in Arkansas?……………….if it was made anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush
The Hotel/Soap Story
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel’s staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way
on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the
Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet
for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
last Monday. Please, let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints
please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension
1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was
a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in
my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars
of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my
bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don’t know anything
about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not
know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues
bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in
your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
– On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
– On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
– On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
– Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
– On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
– On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not
in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping
in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Ross’s Law: Bare feet
Ross’s Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.
Very Poor
You’re so poor I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was and you said, ‘4th bottle to the left.’
How do you……….
How do you castrate a red neck?
kick his siter in the jaw!
The Talking Monkey
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “kissing.”
“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.”
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
You think cur is a
You think cur is a breed of dog.People hear your car long before they see it.Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.