There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day she decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.”That’s a nice flock of sheep,” she said.”Well thank you,” said the herder. “Tell you what, I have a proposition for you,” said the woman.”If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?” “Sure,” agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied: “382”. “Wow,” said the shepherd.”That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.”So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then the herder said: “Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?”
Author: admin
If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
- “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
- “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
- “I was working smarter – not harder.”
- “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
- “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
- “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
- “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
- “I was trying to remember where that difficult “Z” Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
- “I’m in the management training program.”
- “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
- “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
- “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
- “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
- “Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
- “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
- “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
- “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
- “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
- “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
- “The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
- “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”
Sandwhich?
One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were working
on the top of a skyscraper, which was under construction. And as
they always do, at 1:30pm sharp, the hear the wistle for the
lunch hour, and get out their lunch boxes.
The English man sits next to the Scott and the Irish man and
opens his lunch box. He starts to complain, “Not again! I hate
it when i get peanut butter sandwiches!” The Scott then said,
“At least you didn’t get marmite on yours!” The Irish man
disgustingly remarks his lunch “Tuna! I hate tune, and I’m
allergic.” So the trio complain with themselves until the end of
the lunch hour, then get back to the work on the construction.
The next day at 1:30pm. The English man sadly says “Dammit! Not
again! Peanut butter, ugh! If i get peanut butter again I’ll
kill myself!” The Scott just as horrified, “God almighty, its
sick! I honestly hate marmite, I think i’ll join you if I get
this rubbish again!” he says to the English man. The Irish man
eager to quote hes lunch says “Mother of Earth! Not more tuna! I
hate the stuff. I just might join you two if I get the same
tomorrow!”
The next day, at 1:30pm. The English man opens his lunch box,
“OH MY GOD! That’s it, it’s peanut butter and i’m jumpin off!”
True to his word the sorry gimp jumped off the edge of the beam.
Now the Scott looks at the Irish man and says “do you really
think that I’m gonna live with this rubbish?! its marmite
again!” and without hesitation the poor flim head jumps afta the
English man. Now the Irish man, all alone thinks to himself,
“Please don’t be tuna,” and he opens his lunch box , low and
behold… tuna sandwiches. “On my mothers grave, why me!? It’s
tuna again!” and he thinks for a second and then the stupid
paddy jumps after the two before him.
At their funeral, the widows all gather together and talk about
what had happened. The English mans wife sobs to the others, “IF
only I knew he hated peabut butter sandwiches, i wish he would
ahve told me.” Now the Scotts wife upsettingly says, “I wish
that he had told me that he hated marmite, he never complained,
he was so kind.” Now the Irish mans wife was just standing with
the other widows, very confused, “I have no idea why my husband
killed himself? He knows he makes his own sandwiches!?”
Rules to give to your Boss!
Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me
at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use
of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I
am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m
not here for the money anyway.
Clinton and Francisco.
Q: What was the first thing Clinton said when Francisco
Martin Duran started shooting at the White House?
A: Oh #*@$! You’re husband’s outside and he’s PISSED!
If you aim for the
If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.
Not My Time!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?” God Replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but…
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.
Jury Duty
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor”, he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”
The tired and annoyed judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool.
That man is the lawyer!”
I’m the person you’re mother always warned…
I’m the person you’re mother always warned you about.
Difference between Malaysia & USA
Q : What’s the difference between Malaysia & the US?
A : US’s got Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder; Malaysia’s got Mahathir, no cash, no hope and bloody wonder!
Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!