Yours Fun Portal !
Patrick O’Brien is knocking on the door of Maggie Sullivan. Maggie opens the door and Patrick says, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you Maggie, your husband John has just fallen into a vat of beer down at the brewery and has drowned.”
Maggie says, “I hope he went fast, did he?”
“Well not exactly, he came out three times to pee.”
Representatives of a gay staffed life-insurance firm are said to
refer disparagingly to the agents of a competitor as “the straights of
Gibraltar”.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.” When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.” After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
One night, a king a queen a prince and a princess were at a bar and they decided to take a vacation to colorado and they get on the plane and then the plane crashes. The king, the queen, the prince and the princess all die, who was left?
The night was left because when you say this to someone the will think it is the night sky, unlike the person!!!!
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Why was piglet looking in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!!!!!
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There was a man and he walked into a drinking bar and another man gave him a glass of water and then pointed a gun at him, why did he do this?
He had the hiccups!!!!
Your mama is so stupid, she nailed a sticker to the wall.
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty
the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful
consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant
task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork
from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured
the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth
bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I
pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and
threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled
the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the
house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under the
affluence of alcohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as think as you
might drink. I fool so feeblish I don’t know who
is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I’m not drunk you silly
sit! …
Yo mamma is so dumb she stuck a telephone up her but and thought she made her booty call!
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply I’m just driving this way to get you mad.Keep honking, I’m reloading. Hang up and drive. Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What has a bunch of little balls and screws old ladies once a
week?
Bingo!
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Ever since this demonstration, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators!)
El tipo llega a su casa a las 18 horas, cansado, hecho pelota, y a las reputeadas. Le dice a su esposa que tiene una reuni�n a las diez de la noche, a la que no piensa ir. Que su jefe es un negrero explotador, que no tiene l�mites, que le parece un abuso que lo tenga diez horas laburando como un perro, y encima le pida que vuelva a las diez de la noche porque quiere invitar a cenar a no se que gerente de no se cual empresa.
La mujer, preocupada por su marido, lo convence de que el trabajo es importante, y de que vaya a esa reuni�n.
Entonces, el marido se va a pegar una ducha, y piensa en silencio lo f�cil que fue enga�arla.
La esposa – como toda mujer – cuando el tipo entra a la ducha, le revisa la billetera, el malet�n, los bolsillos de los pantalones y del saco, y le encuentra un papel que dice: “Mi amor: Te espero esta noche para comer el pavo con salsa blanca que tanto te gusta”.
La mujer coloca el papel donde lo hab�a encontrado, se saca toda la ropa, se pone apenas una bata, se pinta los ojos y los labios, se ba�a en perfume importado, y cuando el marido sale del ba�o, se encuentra a su mujer hecha una potra. El tipo se pone como loco, y sin perder un minuto de tiempo, le pega una cepillada de aquellas.
Cuando terminan, el tipo medio muerto, se queda dormido. A las 21.30 la mujer lo despierta, y le avisa que tiene media hora para vestirse y llegar la reuni�n.
El tipo se viste, y sale de raje a la casa de su amante.
Al llegar, todav�a cansado del polvo anterior, le dice a su amante que hab�a trabajado mucho y que solo tomar�a un ba�o y descansar�a un poco.
Al entrar el tipo al ba�o, la amante – como toda mujer – le revisa la billetera y los bolsillos de los pantalones y del saco, y encuentra un papel que dec�a:
“Ah� te mando el Pavo. La Salsa Blanca… qued� toda por ac�.”
Se encontraba Jes�s junto a Pedro caminando por las calles de Jerusalem… cuando repentinamente un grupo de ni�os comienza a lanzarle piedras al Salvador.
Pedro enfurecido por la accion de los ni�os grita:
“�Hijos de la grand�sima puta que se creen, muestren respeto al Hijo de nuestro se�or!
A lo que Jesus le dice con toda serenidad: “Pedro, dejad que los ni�os se acerquen a mi.”
“Pero, mi se�or, esto no puede ser as�.”
“Pedro, dejad que los ni�os se acerquen a mi… y cuando est�n bien cerca, los dos les sacamos la puta a los huevones estos…”