Author: admin

A man took his old duck to the Veterinarian, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat. The Vet explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills, and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food.”What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down, even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll drown.”The man goes about his business and about a week later the Vet runs into his patient.”Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Vet inquires.”He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken man.”I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the Vet.”No.” lamented the man.”I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.”

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

You’d make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You’re a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

I wish I’d known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!

What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?

They are both fun to drive, and you wouldn’t want your friends to see you
on one.