Author: admin

Suddenly

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Joe the lawyer died suddenly at the age of 45.

He got to the gates of Heaven.

The angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

“What do you mean,” he replied. “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”

“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.

“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”

“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

“Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman Curtis

Welfare Statements

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For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t do anything until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Chemistry song 11

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Chemistry WonderlandGases explode, are you listenin’In your rest tube, silver glistensA beautiful sight, we’re happy tonightWalking in a chemistry wonderland.Gone away, is the buoyancyHere to stay, is the densityA beautiful sight, we’re happy tonightWalking in a chemistry wonderland.In the beaker we will make lead carbonateand decide if what’s left is nitrateMy partner asks “Do we measure it in moles or grams?”and I’ll say, “Does it matter in the end?”Later on, as we calculatethe amount, of our nitrateWe’ll face unafraid, the precipitates that we madewalking in a chemistry wonderland.

The Pizza

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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around
where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he’s in luck; there’s a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, ”What the heck did you put on this pizza?”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, ”We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.”

Royal Seat of the Island

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Many years ago, a tiny island nation in the South Pacific was home to some of the finest woodworkers who ever lived. Unfortunately, no one ever found about these legendary artisans since the only pieces they ever produced were thrones for the king of the island. It was a tradition that every year, on the first day of summer, the old throne would be burned in a massive bonfire and the woodworkers would present the king with their newest masterpiece, an ornate and beautiful throne they spent all year carving and shaping. The king would rule from the new royal seat and then destroy it at the next year’s summer festival. One year, a new king ascended to the throne and spoke to his council of elders. “It’s a foolish thing to take these beautiful pieces of art and destroy them every year! Someone should save them for future generations to enjoy.” But one of his ministers quickly pointed out, “Sire, this is a small island, and much of the land has been taken. We have no room to build a museum.” Thinking quickly, the king proposed a solution. “I have the answer. We will build a second story onto the royal hut, and we shall store the thrones there.” The king’s plan worked beautifully for a few years. Every year, he would summon the strongest men on the island to carry the thrones up into the second floor of the royal hut and add them to the collection. But on the fifth year, the floor finally could take no more, and the royal hut collapsed, killing the king and his whole family. The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Extracts from Resumes

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I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
Let’s meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a
job.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

Chili Taster

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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast when he got roped into testing chili:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild!

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning

my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t

feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

What you learn from Kids

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THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN By a Weary Father (thanks craigs)- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.- A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.- When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak — it explodes.- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.- Duplos will not.- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.- Super glue is forever.- McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.- Ditto Tarzan.- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.- VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.- Plastic toys do not like ovens.- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute responsetime.- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.- It will however make cats dizzy.- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.- Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

A pregnant Irish woman

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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes
up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle
from Cork came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh No, not my Uncle… he’s an nutcase!”

She asks the doctor,� Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”