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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged…

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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald
Angels Sing…About Me!

MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town…OH!!!!!! Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Town…And He Is Out to Get Me!

PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout,
then maybe I’ll tell you why.

DEPRESSION – Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty
lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell…

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to
Me…and then took it all away!

The Senility Prayer

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good
fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered . . .

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4.Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…

9. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

10. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the
bathroom.

11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

12. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?

13. It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

15. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

The Nose Picking Glossary

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* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is there is no limit.

* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you’ve got an itch but your really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your probably entitled to dessert.

* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.

* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger goes in so far it passes the septum.

* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.

* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.

* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a “PICK AND FLICK” but it stubornly clings to your fingertip.

* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves your breathing by 90%.

Perfect health

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“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, “Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.”

The woman obliged and removed her clothing.

“Okay, now turn all the way around… Now, lie down please… Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on.”

While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said to the man. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Cells

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A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were
supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then
examine it under the microscope. But this one girl had some problems identifying
her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

“Those are sperm cells.”

What a woman says, what she really means…

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I need = I want
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a
severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting,
new furniture, new wallpaper…
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong
shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re
really going to hate
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d
better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk
him until he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is
important!

What a man says, what he really means…

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have
sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to
fondle you
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho
trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look
different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any
freakin’ dress and let’s go!