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There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.
The American said to the Irishman: “I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off.” So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. “There. Now you try.” he said to the Irishman.
So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.
The New Zealander said to the American : “Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!”
Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men
how wonderful they are.
Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say.
Everything they do.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item
he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that
she doesn’t want.
When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her
opinions, she’s a b–ch.
Women are the only exploited group in history who have been
idealized into powerlessness.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend.
Now you know which sex is smarter.
Most men’s primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a
number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up
this fantasy. Most women’s primary fantasy is a relationship
with one man who either provides economic security or is on his
way to doing so (he has “potential”). For a woman, commitment to
this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment
often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a
man gives his up.
It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer
women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is
the very core of intelligence
CHILDREN’S BOOKS YOU’LL NEVER SEE
1. “Strangers Have the Best Candy”
2. “You Were an Accident” 3. “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
4. “Some Kittens Can Fly!”
5. “Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
6. “Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
7. “Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
8. “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
9. “All Dogs Go to Hell”
10.”The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
11.”When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It”
12. “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
13. “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
14. “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
15. “Bi-Curious George”
16. “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
17. “Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
18. “You Are Different and That’s Bad”
19. “Dad’s New Wife Timothy”
20. “Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games”
21. “Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets”
22. “The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad”
23. “The Tickling Babysitter”
24. “Babar Meets the Taxidermist”
25. “Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
26. “The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”
27. “Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse”
28. “The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy”
29. “Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
30. “The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”
31. “How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School”
32. “Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear”
The National Science Foundation announced the following study
results on corporate America recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the
smaller your balls.
Yo momma so ugly she make Micheal Jackson look like Brad Pitt.
Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn’t, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right”.
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: “Go! You might meet somebody!”
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?
One week? One day?’
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing
How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, the
first to ask what type of light bulb are you running? The second to ask you to
reinstall it, the third to ask you to reboot your light bulb, and the fourth to
say that it must be your light bulb because it running okay here.
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out
to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but
I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?” comes the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
‘woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘woman,’ Lord?”
“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent
that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be
so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will
be the perfect companion for you”, replies the heavenly voice.
“Sounds great.”
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam replies.
“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle.”
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, “Uh, what can I get for a
rib?”
A visiter
There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison …”
How do you circumsize a redneck?
You kick his sister in the chin!
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!