Yours Fun Portal !
I hear Divine Brown has decided to take herself out of the downtown Hollywood life and get herself an education.
She took up a psychology course at her local university, but alas, she had to drop out due to lack of funds. Well, she had a grant and she blew it.
Sorry i shouldn’t be making fun of black people so much ya know, i have black in my family tree and all. Yep there still hanging there to this day
When I was younger I hated going to weddings …it seemed that all
of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
What keeps Texas from drifting into teh gulf?
Oklahoma Sucks.
John Bobbit Virus–
Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)
�Oprah Winfrey Virus–
Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.
�Politically Correct Virus–
Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.
�Right to Life Virus–
Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
�Government Economist Virus–
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
�Federal Bureaucrat Virus–
Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
�AT&T Virus–
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
�MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
�Sprint Virus–
Every 3 minutes it tells you that it’s better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.
�PBS Virus–
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
�Health Care Virus–
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
�New York Jets Virus–
Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.
�LAPD Virus–
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense”.
�O.J. Virus–
Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.
�Ross Perot Virus–
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
�Ted Turner Virus–
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
�Dan Quayle Virus–
Their is sumthing rong wit your’re komputer, we jsut can’t figyour out watt.
Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them.
Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, “don’t worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor”.
Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, “no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem”.
The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, “its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.”
Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was… “Why don’t we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!”
Husband: “Want a quickie?”Wife: “As opposed to what?”
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following problem.
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me and not my family?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and gardening day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Southern Republican’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…(sounds of reloading).
There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis, which he really decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, “There really is no justice in the world!”
The other little old lady said, “What do you mean by that?”
The first old lady said, “Look at that.”
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild and I’m to old to squat.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how!”
1. Best imitation of the boss wins everything in the supply room contest.
2. Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of
executive office furniture.
3. The battle begins for the coveted “Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris” Triple
Crown.
4. Use boss’ computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter
of NOW.
5. Visit local nude beach for daily “staff” meeting.
6. A rousing game of “Pin the Secretary’s Tail on the Boss’ Desk.”
7. Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.
8. Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for
resignation day.
9. Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let’s Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!
10. Wagering on intern lip lock endurance matches in the file room.
11. “Performance reviews” given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping
clerk’s bare ass.
11. Convincing the boss’s daughter be your intern.
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
She can’t find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman