A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, “You know… This is completely unfair.””What do you mean?” asks the surgeon.”Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more than I get paid in a year,” replies the driver.The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.”That’s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart,” says the driver.”Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” replies the surgeon.The driver replies, “Ok. You’re on.”So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver’s hat and sits in the back of the room.The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he’s done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.”You know…” says the driver, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.”
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Un viejito llega a la
Un viejito llega a la panader�a y le dice a la joven que lo atiende:
“Che�orita me puede dar 500 piezas de pan.”
“Oiga se�or, pero eso es mucho pan para usted solo. Se le va poner duro.”
“De echo che trata mija.”
Higher intellects seek lower forms of amusement….
Higher intellects seek lower forms of amusement.
Sons Devoted to Mom
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
“Well,” said the first one, “I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.”
“I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.”
“I’ve got you both beat,” said the third.
“I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.”
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
“Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere because I’m too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.”
The beloved old man.
There once was an old man who was loved by everyone in the town where he lived. When he died, they buried him at a scenic location along a river.
A few days later there was a great rain storm and the river flood coffin was carried along the river in to the town. The casket flowed down the street past the supermarket and the school all the way into the pharmacy. It slid right in to the pharmacy and onto the counter. The lid popped open and the old man sat up and asked the pharmacist, “Do you have anything to stop this coffin?”
NewlyWeds
The bride and groom goes home after the wedding reception and of course they go to bed to have a little rest. Early morning the groom asks if she would go down to the kitchen and make him breakfast. The bride replied, first my dear we should have sex, so they have sex and fall asleep. Now they awake and the groom asks the same question except it is for lunch. The bride replies with the same answer, we should have sex again in which case they do and falls asleep again. Upon waking before dinner the bride sees her husband sitting over the electric heater in the room, and she asks, what my dear are you doing to which he riplies “I am warming dinner”. Enjoy!!!!!!
In the ravine.
One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter Jim?”
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 7-iron…
You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron!”
Free Bread
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Looking for Murphy
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.”Hello, said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.””Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer, “as it happens, there’s a village right over the hill, where there’s a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy.””Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code. “The sun is shining…the grass is growing…the cows are ready for milking.””Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy – he’s in the village over the other direction.”
Q: How many SAS men
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Estaban dos gavilanes fumando marihuana,
Estaban dos gavilanes fumando marihuana, cuando llega un pollito y les dice:
“�Qu� es eso?”
“�Marihuana, pollito!”
“�Yo quiero!”
“Est�s loco, pollito, tu eres muy peque�o para estas cosas.”
“Yo quiero probar, solo un poquito, �por favor!”
“�Que no pollito, que NO!”
“�Yo quiero! �Yo QUIERO! �YO QUIERO!”
“Est� bien pollito, toma la colilla solamente.”
“Shhhhh… �No siento nada!”
“Pero pollito, �c�mo que no sientes nada? �eso es marihuana!, bueno pollito �toma uno entero!”
“Shhhhh… �No siento nada!”
“Pero pollito, c�mo que no sientes nada, �toma el segundo!”
Shhhhh… �No siento nada!”
�Pero pollito, llevas DOS!, �c�mo que no sientes nada pollito?”
“No siento nada… �Ni las paticas… ni las alitas… ni el piquito!”
Ways to be annoying in computer labs
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.