�Cu�les son los tres animales que le gustar�a tener a una mujer en su vida?
Un vis�n en el armario, un tigre en la cama y un jaguar en la puerta.
�Y cu�les son los que tiene?
Un zorro en el armario, un cerdo en la cama y un panda en la puerta.
Author: admin
Small Towns
The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life’s like there. My hometown was so small…
- the clinic was called Joe’s Hospital and Grill
- long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
- the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
- in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
- instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
- you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
- during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
- the local Motel 6 sleeps six
- during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
- the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
- the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council, & street sweeper
- we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up
- the municipal water system’s pump was supplied by Water Pik
- before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
- there was no town idiot — everybody had to take turns
Aging
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it “Closed for remodeling.” **caution – leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Translating for the Mob
A father takes his deaf mute son to the Godfather…..Father: Godfather my boy is a good boy but he can’t get a job because he’s a deaf mute.Godfather: I will give him a job as a bag man. He will pick up the money from my bookies and bring it back here. he doesn’t have to talk to anybody. Two weeks go by and the Father is grabbed off the street brought to theGodfathers office. His Son is sitting in a chair all beat up.Godfather: $50,000.00 is missing, ask your Son where it is. The Father: turns to the boy and in sign language says….”What did you do? Where is the money? they are going to kill you!Son: (in sign language) I don’t know anything about the moneyFather: Godfather my Son is a good boy. He says he didn’t steal any moneyGodfather: Pulls a gun from his drawer and lays it on the desk and says…”ask him again” The Father: (in sign language) This guy is serious, he’s going to kill you! where is the money?Son: (in sign language) I honestly dad I don’t have any moneyFather: Godfather my Son says he doesn’t have your money, Please believe him.Godfather: Puts the gun to the boys head, pulls the hammer back, and says…”ask him one last time” The Father: (in sign language) He’s going to kill you for sure , for you mother’s sake please ,WHERE IS THE MONEY?Son: (in sign language) all right , all right its in a shoe box in the attic under moms wedding dress!Father: Godfather my Son says GO TO HELL!
Cheap HMO
Top Twenty Signs You’ve Joined A Cheap HMO
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure”
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace”
4. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
5. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You can get your flu shot as soon as “the” hypodermic needle is dry.
8. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”
9. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
10. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning”
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on a celebrity’s doorstep.
14. Recycled bandages.
15. “Pre-natal vitamin” prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park”
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is “an apple a day.”
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Una se�ora decide darle una
Una se�ora decide darle una sorpresa a su marido y le espera en la cama a oscuras y con un tanga fosforescente min�sculo que apenas le tapa la raja.
Entra el marido en la habitaci�n y se pone a gritar:
“�Mar�a, Mar�a, tienes una luci�rnaga en el co�o!”
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their…
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn’t afford it so they had it on the same day. They also couldn’t afford to go on a honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the mother got up because she couldn’t sleep. When she went by her oldest daughter’s room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter’s room and she couldn’t hear anything. So the next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter. “Why were you screaming last night?” The daughter said “Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream.””That’s true.” She looked at her second daughter. “Why were you laughing last night?”The daughter said “Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.””That’s also true.” Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”The youngest daughter said “Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.”
No Such Thing As Good Man
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Less Sex
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
“Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
“I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband!”
Guide To Walking Tigers
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger’s neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you’re sure you’ve got it right.
Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger’s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn’t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you’re standing next to one.
Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.
It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.
It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don’t get taken for walks.
They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn’t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.
All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.
A man with one watch knows what time it is….
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.
– Albert Einstein
Frosty
Q: Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?
A: He saw the snow blower coming!