Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: “A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.”Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: “Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn’t worth anything – gas is!”Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.” At a restaurant in New York: “Tip-ing is not a city in China.”
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Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Gladais
A little girl went to school and the teacher asked her what her name was. She said Happy Butt. The teacher said was bad and rude for her to say that so she sent her to the princeipal. The princeipal said what is your name and she said happy butt. The princepal said that was bad language i am gonna have to call your mom.The princepal told the mom your daughter says that her name is happybutt. The mom say Oh that must be my youngest daughter Gladais. Then they hang up. The princepal say your mom say you name is Gladais. the girl says Happy butt Gladass whats the diffentence.
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren’t
10. Nuts…my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter!
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
1. Hold on…I need to wash my balls first.
Untitled joke
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.
Are Ladies too Materialistic?
A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready
to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the
driver’s side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone,
dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before
the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started
screaming hysterically. Her Lexus which she had just picked up
the day before was now completely destroyed and would never be
the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the
woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t
believe how materialistic you women are,” he said. “You are so
focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything
else.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the woman. The
cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you.”
“My God!!” screamed the woman. “Where’s my tennis bracelet?!”
Q: How many Minbari
Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light-bulb?A: None. They never finish the job and they refuse to tell you why.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, “Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
Girl in Army
Q: Did you hear about the girl who wanted to join the Army?
A: She jumped over a campfire and got “Deferred”.
Breaking News
Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?
A: She had to break a window to get out!
Watch your Reasoning!
A freshmore in college started his first day of classes. His professor was
clearly an atheist, and started the day by saying the following:
“Students, is there anyone here who can see God? If so, raise your hand.
If there is anyone who can hear God, raise your hand.
If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand.”
After a short pause, with out any response from the students, he concluded,
“Since nobody can see, smell, or hear God, there isn’t any God.”
A student then raised his hand and asked if he could address the class. The
student approached the class and asked, “Students, can anyone here see the
professor’s brain?
Can anyone hear the professor’s brain?
Can anyone smell the professor’s brain?”
After a short pause he concluded, “Since no one can see, hear, or smell the
professor’s brain, I conclude that he doesn’t have a brain!”
More Blonde Answers
What’s a blonde’s mating call?
I think I’m drunk.
Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator?
Because The orange juice said concentrate
What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?
Duel air bags!
How did the blonde rob the drive-up window at the bank?
She put her gun in the little basket along with a note that said “This is a stick-up”
How many blondes does it take to make popcorn?
Four. One to hold the pan, and three to shake the stove
Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What do you call a beautiful blond Mensa member?
Foxymoron.
What goes Vroom-Screech Vroom-Schreech?
A blond at a flashing red light
What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
Once you get them on their back they’re screwed…..
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell she’s got a grenade in her mouth.
What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
I know how many men went down on the Titanic
What’s the first thing a blonde says after sex?
Was it good for me?
What’s the first thing a Blonde says the morning after sex?
Are you guys all on the same team?
What the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
You don’t let your friends borrow your toothbrush.
What do you call a blonde who’s found dead in a closet?
The 1989 Hide and Seek Champion.
How do you get a blonde to go on the roof?
tell her the drinks are on the house
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
cause red means stop
what does the blonde do when she sees her reflection in a mirror?
starts a conversation!