It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. “That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,” he said. “Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see what he does?” At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. “Hey,” the husband said, “let’s really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we’ll see what he does.” Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. “Now,” said the husband with an evil smile, “tell HIM you have a headache!”
Author: admin
A Blonde and a Waitr
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she’s deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress’s name tag on her shirt. ”Gee, that’s nice. What did you name the other one?”
Prepared for Baptism
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?””I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.””I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?””Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
Bar None
A guy walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, “All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”
Everyone is understandably silent. He then chugs back another beer and says, “All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”
Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. “You got a problem, buddy?”
“No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”
10 signs You are an
10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as “my [email protected]” and refer to your children as “client applications”.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so colon-right parentheses!”
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”
On a winter day two ministers were driving…
On a winter day two ministers were driving down a road when they slid on a
patch of ice, hit a telephone pole and died.
They went to heaven but when they got to the pearly gates St. Peter told
them their heavenly condos were not ready yet. The two would have to spend a
little more time on earth. To make up for the Inconvenience, they would be
able to choose what they wanted to go back as.
The first declared that he wanted to go back as an eagle flying over
the grand canyon. The second declared that he wanted to be a “cool stud”.
A few months later, the heavenly condos were ready. St. Peter asked
an assistant to go retrieve the two.
The servant protested “But how will I find them?”
“That’s easy.” said St. Peter, “One of them is an eagle, and you will find him
flying over the Grand Canyon. The other is a snow tire in Detroit.”
Xmas time
Little Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said,
‘Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.’
Two days before Christmas, Luke’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
‘I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.’
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, ‘What did Santa bring you this year?’
Luke replied, ‘I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!’
Can You See?
Bob: Can you see farther during the day or at night?
Joe: During the day of course.
Bob: Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can
see the stars.
George Bush so hardheaded?
Why is George Bush so hardheaded?
His skull protects the weakest part of his body.
Curiosity never killed anything except
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
The Deer Hunter
A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his wife he’s going hunting and that she can either go hunting with him, let him fuck her in the ass, or give him a blow job.
He informs her that he’s going out to get the dog, load up the hunting gear and will be back to get her decision.
About an hour later, he comes back into the house and asks his wife what she wants to do.
”Well,” she says, ”I ain’t going hunting with you, and you sure as hell ain’t fucking me in the ass, so I guess it will be a blow job.”
She’s down there giving him the job when all of a sudden she starts coughing and spitting and says, ”Your dick tastes like shit!”
He replies, “Well, the dog didn’t want to go hunting either.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Repetition does not establish validity.