Yo momma so damn heavy that when she stands on the scales to get weighed it says “TO BE CONTINUED!”
Author: admin
Thanks Doc!
A patient says to his doctor, “Hey, Doc! I’ve been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can’t think straight! I need help!”.
Doctor says to patient, “You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!”
…next day…
patient says, “Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!”.
Doctor says, “Oh really? That’s good to hear!”.
“Oh by the way, “Patient says, “You’ve got a great house!”
These are excuse notes from parents
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected
by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)
(direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don’t know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.
17) Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot
last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father
is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Mad cows
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “Hell, I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan of course) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there are no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect
man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling****.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this (most of you are), this
illustrates another point: women never listen.
Dictionary of
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
Coming s l o w l y
Morris, a 90-year-old man, lives in a retirement home and gets a weekend pass.
He stops at his favorite bar and orders a drink.
He notices a 70-year-old woman at the other end of the
bar and he tells the bartender to buy the lovely lady a drink.
As the evening progresses, Morris joins the lady and they eventually go to her apartment, where they get it on.
Two days later, the old man notices he is developing a “drip,” and he heads for the rest-home doctor.
After careful examination, the doctor asks the old man if he has engaged in sex recently.
The old man says, “Sure did!”
The doctor then asks if he could remember who the woman is and where she lives.
“Yes, but why?”
“Well you�d better get over there . . . you�re about to come.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Tantilazing
Crossing a Mule and Onions
Q: What do you get when you cross a mule with a sack of onions?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
yo mamas so fat when she steped on a scale…
yo mamas so fat when she steped on a scale and it broke!ha ha!!!
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat she went on an airplane and turned it into a boat.
American Technology
A group of doctors were at a convention in switzerland. the topic of
discussion was the new medical technology from their countries.
‘in my country,” a german doctor said, “medicine is so advanced, we can
perform heart surgery on a person on monday, and have him back to work in 2
weeks.”
“that’s nothing,” a japanese doctor said. “we can perform an appendectomy on a
person on tuesday, and have him back in work by saturday.”
“that’s nothing!” said an american doctor. “we can take an a****** from
arkansas; put him in the white house and half the country is out of work the
next day!”
Gay termites
What do gay termites eat?
Wood Peckers.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis