Nun?

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice,
“Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, “Hey siesta,
that�s kind a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says, “Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?”

The cabbie, “About dish celibacy thing, are you telling me you never think
about done’ it?”

The nun, “Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or
two. I am of weak human flesh you understand.”

The cabbie, “Well, would a ever consider, you know, don�t?”

The nun, “Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique
circumstance, I might consider it.”

The cabbie, “Well what would dose conditions happen to be?”

The nun, “Well he’d have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he
could d have no children.”

The cabbie, “Well, siesta, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do you
se come on up here…I won’t even make you really break your vows. All you got
at do is go down on me.”

The nun looks around…they are awfully far away from where anyone would
recognize her…at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By
the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie
is milling from ear to ear.

As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.

The nun inquires, �Why, my son, what is so humorous?”

The cabbie sneers, “Siesta, I got yaw, I’m Protestant, I’m married, and I got
four kids.

And from the back of the cab comes the nun’s low voiced response, “Yeah, well
m y name’s Dave and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

Speaking with the Ph

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.”I am the pharmacist,” she informed him.”Oh, in that case forget it,” he replied and started to leave.”Young man,” the lady said to him, “my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven’t heard, so what is your problem?””Well,” the young man said reluctantly, “I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won’t go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?””I’ll have to go in the back and talk to my sister,” she informed him.About ten minutes later she came back.”Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy.”

What’s My Age?

Mickey’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Mickey interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

Micheal Jackson

Once a 40 year old man was stalking a 15 year old. The fifhteen year old was walking home one day, when the 40 year old man jumped out and grabbed her. He took her to his apartment. Then he tied her up to a chair, and asked her a question. The question was “will you marry me?”The fifhteen year old was shocked, she asked him a question. Her question was “are you one of those Micheal Jackson wannabes?”

Good to be a man

Reasons it’s good to be a manMovie nudity is virtually always female.You know stuff about tanks.Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.You can open all your own jars.When clicking through TV channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.You can kill your own food.The garage is all yours.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.The National College Cheer leading Championship.If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.You can be President.Flowers fix everything.You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.The world is your urinal.You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.You get to jump up and slap stuff.One mood, all the time.You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.Same work… more pay.You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.You don’t cry off others’ desserts.If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.The remote is yours and yours alone.People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers.You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.There is always a game on somewhere.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: ‘So… notice anything different?’Baywatch.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.All your orgasms are real.

Air Ireland

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.

‘By Jesus,’ said Paddy, ‘will you look at how fookin short that runway is.’

‘Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy,’ replied Gerry.

‘This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see,’ said Paddy.

‘Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy,’ replied Gerry.

‘Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse,’ said Paddy.

‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.

‘And den you put the flaps down straight away,’ said Paddy.

‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.

‘And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can,’ said Paddy.

‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.

‘And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul,’ said Paddy.

‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, ‘Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.’

Gerry looked out the side window and replied, ‘Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.’

Dear God

Dear GodSo far today God,I’ve done all right I have not Gossiped, Have not lost my temper, Have not been Greedy, Grumpy , Nasty, Selfish or Over-Indulgent. I am really glad about that,BUT,In a few minutes God, I am going to get out of bed, And from then on I’m probably going to need A LOT MORE HELP!Thank You