You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Author: admin
Irish Cream
3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity.
So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked
chick. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes
‘ding-ding!’
“Go take a cold shower, now!” she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So
she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes
‘ding-ding!’
“Go take a cold shower with your brother!” she yells, and he leaves. Now she
goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn�t ring. The woman nods.
“Good, you’ve passed. Go take a shower with your brothers.”
“Ding-ding!”
Politically Correct Terms of Endearment
Amphibian American — frog.
Aquatically-Challenged — drowning.
Biologically-Challenged — dead.
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged — white trash.
Certified Astrological Consultant — crackpot.
Certified Crystal Therapist — crackpot.
Certified Past-Life Regression Hypnotist — crackpot.
Chronologically-Gifted — old.
Q: How many tech
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None: “The user can work it out.”
One Really Good Deed Needed at the Pearly Gates
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St.
Peter says to the guy, “I can’t see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell
you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did,
you’re in.”
So the guy says, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a
gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got
out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the
gang’s leader–a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket,
bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running
from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and
smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned
around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them,
‘You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You’re all a bunch of
sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!'”
Impressed, St. Peter says, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in
your file. When did this happen?” “Oh, about two minutes ago.”
Redneck Computer Terms
BACKUP – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE – Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern
BUG – The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE – What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE – Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL – Time to call the undertaker
CRASH – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited
DIGITAL – The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE – Female Disco dancer
FAX – What you lie about to the
IRS HACKER – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM – Where the pope lives
SCREEN – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT – A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR – Amtrak’s Employee of the year
SCSI – What you call your week-old underwear
Why is it good to ha
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You get to park in the handicap zone.
Women’s Compact Instruction Book
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.
There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.
Animal Joke for Kids
What do you get when you cross a Parrot with a Catapillar?
A Walkie Talkie!
Reality pope quiz
who will be the next pope? you can decide!
tune in tonight on i.t.v for pope idol.
No panties
It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), “Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don’t we take off our panties so’s we be cool” Eloise says, “Oh, I don’t know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed”.So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, “Eloise, honey, I just can’t stand this heat. We jess got’s to take off our panties so’s we be cool”? And Eloise says, “Mary Jane , I juss can’t, I’d be too embarrassed”. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, “Eloise, honey, look up there on the poc’h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I’ll bet she be cool.”And Mary Jane says, “Less go axe her.” So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, “Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc’h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool”?And the woman says, “Honey child… I don’t no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon”!
Watergate
It is the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in.
That was a time when the president of the United States couldn’t be trusted to tell the American people the truth… thirty years ago… but it feels like yesterday.
-Jay Leno