You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.
Author: admin
The optimist thinks this is
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist fears this is true.
Make dust or eat dust.
Make dust or eat dust.
The Adoption
Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!”
Honk For Jesus
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I’m glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!I found lots of people who loved Jesus. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled “JESUS CHRIST!” as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, “GO!…JESUS CHRIST!…GO!” Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger. I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me! I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas. It’s a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!
Hab�a una ves un negro
Hab�a una ves un negro que todos los d�as ven�a a una estatua de San Marcos en la iglesia y siempre dec�a: “Est� cabr�n, est� cabr�n”.
Hasta que un d�a un padre vino y le pregunt� que porqu� siempre dec�a eso. El negro le contesto:
“Mire padre, yo soy negro, mi mam� es negra, mi esposa es negra, pero mis hijos son g�eros”.
El padre le respondi�:
“No, pos entonces s� est� cabr�n.”
“Hey! Your fly is open!”
How to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped… – You’ve got Windows on your laptop. – Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave. – Your dork is ajar. – Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. – I can see your Gap dancers. – Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson… – Your pod bay door is open, Hal. – Elvis Junior has left the building! – Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. – Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! – Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant! – Lil’ Shaq’s at the free show line. – You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.” – Your closet door is open and Donato’s peeking out. – You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones. – I see you have an opening in senior management. – Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
Three Men at the Hospital
Three men are waiting at the hospital for their wives to have babies. After what seems an eternity, the nurse finally walks into the waiting room and goes up to the first guy and says “Congratulations sir, you’ve just had twins!”
“Wow, this is great!” he exclaims, “And, what a coincidence, I work at Twin City Federal!”
A half hour later the nurse comes back into the waiting room, approaches the second guy and says “Congratulations sir, you’ve just had triplets!”
“Are you serious?!” he replies, “This is the greatest day of my life! Gosh, what a coincidence, I work at 3M!”
At this moment the third guys says “That’s it, I’m outta here!”.
The second guy asks why.
Third guy says “I work at 7-11!”
Trapped On A Rock
There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.
The man on the boat asks ‘do you want any help?’ Man on the rock replies ‘no- the Lord will save me’-so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him ‘do you want any help?’ The man replied ‘no – the Lord will save me!’ Then along comes another man on a boat and asks ‘do you want any help?’ and he said ‘no-the Lord will save me’.
By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter ‘why didn’t the Lord save me????’
St.Peter said’ he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?’
Real Western Song Titles
THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES (THESE ARE
REAL)
– Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
– Her Teeth were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
– How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
– How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve
Been A Liar All My Life
– I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
– I Fell In a Pile of You and Got Love All Over Me
– I Flushed You From The Toilets of My Heart
– I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
– I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!!
– I Wouldn’t Take Her To a Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
– I’d Rather Have Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy
– I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life
– I’m the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
– If I Can’t Be Number One in your Life, Then Number Two on You
– If Love were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
– If my Nose were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All on You
– If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who
Will
– If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
– Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
– My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus
– My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My Heart
– My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
– Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears and My Glasses Are Slipping
Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
– She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
– Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone
– They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From
Breakin’ Out
– Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
– You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too
– You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
– You Were Only a Splinter As I Slid Down the Banister of Life
– You’re the Reason Our Kids are so Ugly
Premature ejaculation
A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The
counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds ” My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?”
The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”
Llega una viejita a la
Llega una viejita a la farmacia:
“Me da unas p�ldoras anticonceptivas para dormir”.
“�Para dormir, se�ora? �Y le dan buenos resultados?”, pregunta interesado el farmac�utico.
“Pues, f�jese que s�, porque cuando mis nietas se van con sus novios les doy una pildorita y �viera que tranquila me quedo!”