A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child
speaking since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet
them, she said, ”I can hear voices!”
Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, ”Jeez, she
better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!”
Author: admin
Sailboat
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go.
He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, “How do you dock the boat?” The salesman replied, “Well, you really don’t dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don’t bang up the finish on the craft.”
“Well then,” the lawyer asked, “How do you get out to the sailboat?”
“Good question.” The salesman told him. �You can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat, if you don’t mind getting wet.�
“Oh, I get it,” the lawyer replied. . . . “It’s Row vs Wade.”
Dallas cowboys dirt
Q: Why do the Dallas Cowboys now play on dirt?
A: Because Leon Lett smoked all the grass and sniffed all the lines.
Scooby Dooby Dooby
This woman has spent her whole adult life wanting a larger bust, but she just can not afford a boob job. She goes to see a new Doctor in town named Dr. Bob. He tells her that she really doesn’t need plastic surgery, that he has a sure fire way to help enlarge her chest. He tells her to rub her chest every day and say the following “Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies”. She thinks that this is stupid idea, but decides to try it anyway.After one week of repeating the poem and rubbing her chest she notices a definite increase in her bustline. She is thrilled! On the bus one morning heading to work, she remembers that she didn’t do her morning ritual of rubbing and reciting. She looks around the bus and nobody seems to paying her any attention so she starts to rub her chest and recite the poem.”Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies”. A man starts chuckling from the seat behind her. She turns to ask “what’s so funny?”He says “Dr. Bob, hmm?” She says “how do you know?” He says “Hickory Dickory Dock……!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Deena!Deena who?Deena hear
Knock KnockWho’s there?Deena!Deena who?Deena hear me the first time!
If ignorance is bliss, most
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
The Top 10 Limericks About Saddam Hussein’s Mustache
10> As we aimed all those surgical strikes
At the target of all our dislikes,
We grew slowly aware
That Saddam’s facial hair
Was the lamest since, well, the Third Reich’s.
9> Saddam once had sensitive skin
And no hair on his chinny-chin-chin.
But his lip was pubescent,
A real fertile crescent,
Where follicles quickly grew in.
8> The dictator ruling Iraq
Grew a mustache all shaggy and black.
A little while later
He lay in a crater,
As vultures approached for a snack.
7> “Dad’s mustache exceeds any other!”
Cried young Uday to Qusay, his brother,
“It will always be there
Because thick facial hair
Is the one trait he shared with his mother.”
6> In order to set an example,
Hussein was the right guy to trample.
Now his bushy mustache
And a bit of eyelash
Are what’s left for his DNA sample.
5> Next to Hitler’s, it’s not trimmed as well.
More like Stalin’s, as best I can tell.
Lenin, too, might dispute
Saddam’s ‘stache was a beaut.
They can argue about it in hell.
4> Saddam cut a figure quite charming —
Stalin-like, but perhaps less alarming.
His lip was hirsute,
Which he thought made him cute.
It’s too bad that he wasn’t disarming.
3> Samson’s strength was dependent on hair.
Can Saddam Hussein’s mustache compare?
We could tell our troops: “Wait!
Spend a buck ninety-eight —
You can rub out the bastard with Nair!”
2> While Saddam grew his ‘stache with no trouble,
Not so lucky was Chuckie, his double.
Though Hussein in his wrath
Threw Rogaine in the Baath,
He could still hardly sprout more than stubble.
1> Saddam, now most likely “the late,”
Suffered one final, humbling fate:
His mustache ditched his lip
Like a rat from a ship,
And was seen crawling south t’wards Kuwait.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
The World’s Greatest Cowboy
The World’s Greatest Cowboy (wgc) was captured by some Indians,
who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn. But
because he was the wgc, they would give him a last request. The
WGC said, let me talk to my horse.
So he whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse runs off, and
returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead. He takes her into a
teepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she
staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later
the horse returns.
The Indian chief says “Now we know why you are called the WGC!
That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves.
We will give you another last request.” So WGC asked to speak to
the horse again.
The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked,
beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet, blonde. WGC
takes her into the teepee, and after 3 hours, she staggers out,
and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and
returns in an hour.
The chief says “The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse,
but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are
called the WGC, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you,
but we must still kill you at dawn. But we will still give you
one more last request.”
The WGC, walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving
it a shake, says, “Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!”
The Top 16 Real Statistics That We Made Up
16> Number of dentists not intimidated by the powerful Trident lobbying committee: 1 out of 5
15> Recommended average inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 100 PSI
Average ACTUAL inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 150 PSI
14> Percentage of “very special episodes” on “Blossom”: 82%
13> Number of votes by which George W. Bush carried Florida:
862 +/- 9301
12> Amount of time it takes the average office worker to ALT+TAB from HoochieWorld.com to an Excel spreadsheet: .052 seconds
11> Ratio of Cheney arterial blockage to Bush synaptic blockage: 1 to 1
10> Chances that Suzi, newly added to your ICQ list, is actually female: 62%
9> Lifespan of a $45 bouquet of anniversary roses: Two FRIGGIN’ days
8> Probability of the new U.S. President doing his Tom Cruise dancing in his Jockies in “Risky Business” impersonation in the Oval Office before 2004: One-hundred-percentiary, dude!
7> Probability that anything will happen when you walk into a room and flick the wall switch:
98% (nationwide)
46% (California)
6> The amount of time Anna Nicole Smith has used up so far: 14 minutes, 59.7 seconds
5> Most frequent odors encountered when meeting Jesse Helms: Tobacco, Brut, Brimstone, Ham
4> Percentage of Americans who have difficulty grasping mathematical concepts: Purple
3> Exact number of dots on the office ceiling at my lousy-ass, dead-end job: 36,783
2> Odds of making the top 5 list without first introducing Chris White to some crisp Franklins: 1 in 104,376
1> Number of Supreme Court justices it takes to screw in a dim bulb: 5
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Careful what you wish for
Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to
inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship
slipped under the surface.
After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and
water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst, and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it
drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed
the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, “Okay, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes
stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys only
get one wish and then I’m outtalk here… so make it a good one.”
The first guy blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can
drink for the rest of our lives!”
“Fine,” said the genie, and the entire ocean to beer was instantly turned into
beer.
“Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy on
the side of the head. “Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”
Lawyers Abode (Classic)
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”
Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”
Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.”
Lucifer: “Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”
How many surgeons?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They’d also like to remove the socket as you aren’t using it now.