A Quickie

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, “What on earth is that all about?”

The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”

“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”

The farmer replied, “There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

The Top 15 Attractions at Michael Jackson’s Amusement Park in Poland

15. The Jackson Siblings’ Career Slide!

14. Kid Who Played Webster Petting Zoo

13. The Rusty Antique Moonwalk

12. The “Now Hold On Real Tight” Ride

11. The Hall Of Elizabeth Taylor’s Ex-Husbands

10. Sign at park entrance which says, “You must be at least this young to enter.”

9. The “Design Michael’s Face” Computer Graphics Pavilion

8. Michael himself supervises the Lost Children hut

7. Handy “Need a glove, take a glove; Have a glove, leave a glove” boxes everywhere

6. Six Flags, depicting the 6 noses of Michael himself

5. “Candy from a Stranger” concession stands

4. “Touch The Kielbasa” Carousel

3. The Jackson dysfunctional family “get your ass on stage and perform” karaoke bar

2. “Yeah, I’m Tito. You want a churro or not?”

1. It’s A Small Nose After All

Beware of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Comeback Lines!

M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.

M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.

M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the corner drug store.

M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.

M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.

M: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.

M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

M: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

M: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Best ones

Yo Mamas so fat

Yo mamas so fat that the only thing keeping her from weightwatchers is the door.

Your mamas so fat that people mistaked her for the iceberg that sunk the titanic.

Your mamas so fat that when she goes to India instead of her riding the elephants the elephants ride her.

Your mamas so fat that when she hopped in the back of a car it flipped up and looked like it was doing wheelies.

Your mamas so fat that when she got crucified she crucified the wood.

Your mamas so fat that when she walks through the desert everywheres quicksand to her.

Your mamas so fat that when she said Im so hungry I could eat a horse, she wasnt lying.

Your mamas so fat that when she wanted to get baptized she had to get baptized in the pacific ocean.

The F Word

Things that bother me a little…

When people say, “Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it
too.” Whatthafuck good is a goddam cake you can’t eat? What,
should I just let my fuckin cake sit there, and look and look
and look, and try to find someone else who has cake, and eat
their fucking cake instead? Fuck off.

When people say, “It’s always in the last place you look”. What
the fuck??? Of course it fucking is. Whythefuck would you keep
looking after you’ve already fucking found it? Whothafuck are
these people?

When people interupt you while you’re watching a movie, and say:
“Did you see that???!!!” No, dickhead, I pay $8fuckin50 to come
to the fuckin theatre to stare at the back of the fucker’s head
in front of me. Whatthafuck do YOU come here for?

People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give
me fuckin choice there, did ya, ya sorry fuck. Hey, do you mind
if I shoot you in the fuckin head? Ooops, sorry…

People who POINT at their wrist and ask, “Do you know the time?”
Hey, I KNOW where I wear MY fuckin watch buddy, where the fuck
do you wear yours? Up your fuckin ass, maybe? Should I point at
my fuckin crotch when I ask you where the bathroom is? Or maybe
I should just pull out my fuckin dick, and piss on your fuckin
leg, you mother fucker.

Golf Advices

Supermodel Kate Moss is serious about taking up golf
Unfortunately all her supermodel friends neither have the time
nor interest she does to get out and play. So poor Kate is
forced to hit the links solo and play with whomever she can.
Being a marginal athlete at best, Kate finds it very difficult
to break a 100 in a round where ever she plays. And being a
perfectionist, over time this begins to frustrate her to no end.

One afternoon, Kate shows up at the Prince Course in Kaui,
Hawaii by herself and finds a threesome of local men to play
with. From the start Kate explains her frustration to the
strangers, and welcomes their suggestions and helpful hints to
improve her game so that she may finally break 100. Devastated
by her overwhelming beauty, the three men are more than willing
to help her in any way they can, and offer up all their best
advise as the day goes on. Luckily for Kate their helpful advise
pays off, and as the foursome approaches the par 4 18th, Ms Moss
has a 95 and only needs to par the hole to finally break 100.

Kate is ecstatic, and with the mens help she reaches the green
in 3, and has only a 4 foot putt for par. This being the most
important putt of life, and the only thing that matters to her
in the whole world at that moment, she turns to the three men
and says: “whomever gives me the best advise on how to sink this
putt, will be rewarded with the blowjob of lifetime from me on
the spot, a hummer you will be able to tell your grand children
about!”

After a day of getting to know Ms Moss, there was little doubt
in the their minds, that she was very serious about that offer,
and it was not questioned.

The three men stood shell shocked, barley able to speak, then
one man said: “you have a 6 inch break to the left, play that
and you’ll sink it.” Kate nodded her head, acknowledging the
advise, and then turned to look at the second man for his input.
The second man realized he not only had to think quickly, but he
had to come up with a different recommendation to win this
coveted prize. Just the thought of Kate Moss slurping on his hog
on the 18th of the Prince Course, left him absolute brain dead
and almost speechless. Kate getting impatient said: “well, what
do you think?” Feeling rushed now, he blurted out “straight
shot, no break, nice and easy.” Kate raised her eyebrows, a
little surprised and confused then turned to look at the shot
again. As she studied the shot, she asked the third man for his
advise. Not hearing a reply, she turned to look at the third man
standing behind her. The mans shorts and underwear were already
at his ankles, and his sausage was saluting her proudly. Then a
with a shit eating grin on his face, the third man said: “That’s
a gimme!”

Hard to live with…

Hard to live with a nurse!

1) When you forget to flush the toilet, you get a complete analysis with a plan on how to correct any noted problems.

2) Thanksgiving dinner comes in pre-cut small pieces because she doesn’t want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver and be reminded of work on the only holiday she’s had off in years.

3) You’ve been awakened from a dead sleep in the middle of the night to find her shaking you because your breathing patterns were a little too close to a Cheyne-Stokes rhythm.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis