The Gambler’s Son

Little Johnny’s dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a
few of his old man’s bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and
everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a
problem, that Johnny’s teacher called his father to discuss it.
After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. “You’re not
really blonde,” he said. “I’ve seen your bush and it’s pitch
black, you dye your hair.” “I most certainly do not,” she
replied. “I bet you ten bucks you do,” he said. She saw that
this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for
all the other children to leave the class and took off her
pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the
hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked
sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny’s teacher called his father. “I think I
finally taught him a lesson,” she said. “The hell you have,” his
father said angrily. “This morning he bet me $50 he’d see your
cunt before the end of the day.”

For the love of…

Three ministers – a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist –
and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and
swamped the ship; they all drowned, and before long, they were
standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his
head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You
loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You
loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married
a woman named Candy!”

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “This
doesn’t look good, Fanny.”

El fumar mata, y si

El fumar mata, y si te mueres has perdido una parte muy importante de tu vida.

(Brooke Shields, entrevista para una campa�a federal antitabaco, 1998)

Pregunta: Si usted pudiera vivir para siempre, �lo har�a, y por qu�?
Respuesta: Yo no vivir�a para siempre porque no deber�amos vivir para siempre, porque si se supusiera que debi�ramos vivir para siempre, entonces vivir�amos para siempre, pero no podemos vivir para siempre, que es por lo cual yo no vivir�a para siempre.

(Miss Alabama en el concurso Miss Estados Unidos 1994)

Yo nunca he fumado marihuana porque eso da celulitis.

(Natalia Paris, top model colombiana, marzo 1999)

Siempre que veo la tele y veo esos pobres ni�os hambrientos en todo el mundo, no puedo evitar llorar. Quiero decir, me encantar�a ser as� de flaquita, pero no con todas esas moscas y muerte y esas cosas…

(Mariah Carey, cantante pop, 1999)

Esa rastrera sinverg�enza merece ser matada a patadas por un asno… �Y yo soy justo la indicada para hacerlo!

(Claudia Shiffer sobre Naomi Campbell, 1998)

No he cometido ning�n delito, lo que hice fue no cumplir con la ley.

(Jennifer L�pez al ser detenida junto con Puff Daddy, 2000)

No es la contaminaci�n la que esta da�ando el ambiente, son las impurezas en nuestro aire y en nuestra agua las que lo est�n haciendo.

(Pamela Anderson Lee, febrero 2000)

Pregunta: �A qu� personaje le gustar�a conocer?
Respuesta: Definitivamente me gustar�a conocer a Lady Di… Afortunadamente ya se muri�.

(Miss Cauca en el concurso Miss Colombia 2000)

Un periodista a Carolina Z��iga, candidata a Miss Chile 2000.
Pregunta: Si hubiese un holocausto nuclear, �qu� pareja elegir�a Ud. en todo el mundo (hombre y mujer) para preservar y multiplicar la especie humana?
Respuesta: Al Papa y a la Madre Teresa de Calcuta.

Your an 8

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out,
‘Miss Jones, I need to have a piss!’

Miss Jones replied,
‘Now Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.’

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, ‘You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a 10.’

INSPIRATION: If at first you don’t succeed

Monday Morning Eye Openers:Imaginative and creative people are often not recognized by their contemporaries. History is full of illustrations. Consider some of these:Einstein was four years old before he could speak and seven before he could read. Someone once said of him: ‘He doesn’t wear socks and forgets to cut his hair. Could he be mentally retarded?’Isaac Newton did poorly in grade school.Beethoven’s music teacher once said of him, ‘As a composer, he is hopeless.’A well-known magazine editor told Emily Dickinson her poems were unpublishable because they failed to rhyme.When Thomas Edison was a boy, his teachers told him he was too stupid to learn.F.W. Woolworth got a job in a dry goods store when he was 21 but his employers would not let him wait on customers because he ‘didn’t have enough sense.’A newspaper editor fired Walt Disney because he had ‘no good ideas.’Caruso’s music teacher told him, ‘You can’t sing, you have no voice at all.’The director of the Imperial Opera in Vienna told Madame Schumann Heink that she would never be a singer and advised her to buy a sewing machine.An infamous review of William Wordsworth’s greatest poem began with the sentence, ‘This simply will not do.’Leo Tolstoy flunked out of college.Werner Von Braun flunked ninth-grade algebra.Fred Waring was once rejected from his high school chorus.Socrates was called ‘an immoral corrupter of youth.’Admiral Richard E. Byrd had been retired from the Navy as ‘unfit for service’ until he flew over both poles.Louis Pasteur was rated as ‘mediocre’ in chemistry when he attended the Royal College.Abraham Lincoln entered the Black Hawk War as a captain and came out a private.Louisa May Alcott was told by an editor that she could never write anything that had popular appeal.Winston Churchill failed the sixth grade and failed the entrance exams to Sandhurst twice before he finally passed. He did not become Prime Minister of England until he was 62, and then only after a lifetime of defeats and setbacks. His greatest contributions came when he was a ‘senior citizen.’Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he finally succeeded.Babe Ruth, considered by sport historians to be the greatest athlete of all time and famous for setting the home run record, also holds the record for the most strikeouts.Eighteen publishers turned down Richard Bach’s 10,000 word story about a ‘soaring’ Seagull, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, before Macmillan finally published it in 1970. By 1975, it had sold more than 7 million copies in the U.S. alone.Colonel Sanders was considered ‘too old’ to start a business.After Fred Astaire’s first screen test, the memo from the testing director of MGM, dated 1933, said, ‘Can’t Act!, Slightly Bald! Can dance a little!’An ‘expert’ said of Vince Lombardi, ‘He possesses minimal football knowledge. Lacks motivation.’Carol Channing became a star after being told she wasn’t good enough to be in a chorus.Gertrude Stein submitted her poems to editors for 20 years before she had one accepted.The Beatles were rejected innumerable times before Parlophone finally took them on in 1962.

Severe headaches

one day there was a man that was having severe headaches. when he went to the doctor the doctor had told him that the only way to get rid of this pain was by cutting of his balls. the man said was uneasy about it and didnt want to but then his head started hurting again so he cut them off. he was feeling so good after that that he went to buy himself a new shirt. as he walked into the door the clerk said ” size 30″
the man said “how did you now?”
the clerk said “ive been doing this for 10 years, i know these things”
so the man bought the shirt. he was felling so happy about the shirt thatt he went to buy some socks.
again when he walked in the clerk said “size 12”
“how did you know?”
“ive been doing this for 20 years, i know these things”
the man felt so great about his new socks that he went to buy some boxers
when he walked in the clerk said “size 30”
“nope,size 28!”
“are you sure? i think its size 30”
“yep. im sure. all my boxers are size 28”
“i dont know… ive been doing this for 30 years and i know that if boxers are to tight your balls squeeze together and you get severe headaches”

Just like Greg norman

3 guys are walking down the street when it starts to rain they decide to take shelter in a hotel for the night. The first guy walks into a hotel and askes for a room the hotel manager says “we have no rooms left but you can sleep in the shed but it has a baby in it” the man takes it. The second man walks a bit further to the next hotel ans askes for a room the manager replies ” we have no rooms left but you can sleep in the barn but it has someones baby in it. The man takes it. The third guy walks in to the next hotel and askes for a room the manager replies “Ww have no rooms left but you can sleep in the attic but it has 18 ladies i it” The man takes it. The next day the manager goes to the first guy and asks how did u sleep he says “I slept like a log” The second manager asks the next bloke how did u sleep he replied “I seleeped like a baby” The third hotel manager goes into the third guy and asks how did you sleep he replies with “Mate I felt like Greg Norman I did 18 holes in an hour”

Poof!

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
“I’d love an ice-cold beer right now,” he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said, “I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.”
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.
“I wish I never had to work again.” And poof!…
He was back at his desk in the government office!

Thermos

A blonde is in a store and sees a thermos. She picks it up and
asks the clerk what it is. The clerk says, “It’s a thermos. It
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

The blonde decides to buy the thermos. She brings it to work the
next day. The blonde’s boss (also a blonde) asks what it is.
“It’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,”
explains the blonde. “So what do you have in it?” asks the boss.
The blonde answers, “Some hot chocolate and a popcicle.”