Author: admin

Cheap Advice

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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. . . you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I`ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

“Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

New viruses discovered!

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This is deadly serious, so don’t ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of…

THE CLINTON Virus….
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus…
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus….
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus….
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus….
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…
(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

…and last but not least…

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

The Cesium song 09

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It’s So Easy(Tune, It’s so Easy)It’s with Cesium I’m in love!It’s with Cesium I’m in love!People say that I’m a fool,When I take my Cesium into the pool.And it’s so easy,So doggone easy,Yes it’s so easy,Where my love’s concerned,To get myself burned.But it’s with Cesium I’m in love,It’s with Cesium I’m in love!I look into her flame and see,A sky-blue light floodin’ over me.Though it’s so easy,So doggone easy,Yeah it’s so easy,When she’s concerned,To get myself burned.Still it’s with Cesium I’m in love,It’s with Cesium I’m in love!—Songs of Cesium #87

For beer drinkers

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“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” ~ Jack Handy
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” ~ Frank Sinatra
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ~ Stephen Wright
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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian O’Rourke
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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ “Unknown”
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Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo, yisman and Tantilazing

All the Drinks are F

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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!” The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.” Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!” “Wow!” say the other two.”That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

Blonde Movie

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Once there was a blonde and a burnette sitting at home being bored. The blonde said to the Burnette, lets go to the zoo. so they went to the zoo and when they got there the blonde said she wanted to see the lions. so when they got to the lions one really big lion roared real loud. The burnette said oh heck no im leavin. The blonde replied, nope im stayin to watch the whole movie

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

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Why Dogs are Better than Women:

Dogs don’t cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs don’t care if you play with other dogs. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it. Dogs don’t shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog’s parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs don’t hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs don’t worry about germs. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster. You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk. Dogs can’t talk. Dogs aren’t catty.