The scene: a posh bar, velvet draperies, pianist playing a soft jazz in the background. A patron orders a cognac. The waiters brings him one and, no sooner has he left the drink on the man’s table that a little monkey runs from one end of the bar, jumps on the table, dips his tail into the man’s cognac and leaves as quickly as he appeared.”Strange…” thinks the man. “This is quite unexpected. It’s actually sort of funny. No big deal. I’ll just order another one.” So, he orders another cognac. Almost immediately, the monkey comes back in a flash, dips his tail and runs away”Well, once is barely funny. Twice is wearing thin on my sense of humor.” Still, he decides to order another one anyway. Of course, as soon as the waiter leaves the table, the same thing happens again. Angrily, the man gets up and walks to the pianist, who was playing lazily next to him and says, “Do you know the little monkey who dips his tail in my cognac?””Why, no.” Says the pianist. “But if you hum me a few bars I can play it for you.”
Author: admin
Aussie Radio Call-In Show
(Remember the Aussie accent)
The radio show was Queensland FM
The host was Jim
The phone-in competition was give us a word that’s not in the Oxford
English Dictionary and make a sentence with it
Prize is a fortnight for two in Los Angeles, USA!
Jim: Hi what’s your name and word please ?
Caller: This is Bob from the Bush and my word is gaan.
Jim: Thanks Bob, hang on a mo while we check in the dictionary. It’s
not there, so for two weeks in L.A, make a sentence:
Caller: Gaan fuck yourself
Jim immediately hangs up and says “Ladies and gents, this is a family
show so no more dirty calls please
There are many more calls. 45 minutes and as many unsuccessful
contestants later….
Jim: Hi, this is Jim at QFM what’s your name and word ?
Caller: This is Steve from Perth and my word is smee
Jim: Thanks Steve, just checking and yes smee doesn’t appear in the OED
so lets have your sentence
Caller: Smee again, gaan fuck yourself !!!
Ludwig van Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a
sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony
and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the
graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men
agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered
around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony
being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker
ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has
an explanation for the music.
“Don’t you get it?” the caretaker said. “He’s decomposing!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said,’Watson, look up. What do you see?’ ‘Well, I see thousands of stars.”And what does that mean to you?’ ‘Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.’
Spark
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
You’re a redneck … you ever took a
You’re a redneck if…. You ever took a six-pack to a job interview.
Fake Lie Detector
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
A quote on marriage
My other wife is beautiful.
Flies In The Beer
An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
Thirty things porno producers would have us believe…
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly,middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding fine.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70’s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.
14. Men always groan ‘OH YEAH!’ when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they ‘high five’ each other.(and the girl isn’t disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don’t exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.
19. There’s a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches… or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to ‘suck it’.
26. Ass holes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don’t have to beg.
30. When standing during a blow job, a man must always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.
Clothes
You got on so many colors you look like a big bag of skittles
Three Leroys
There were three ladies that always hung out together. There was
a slight problem though, their husbands were all named Leroy.
The ladies decided to name thier Leroys after soda pop.
The first lady said, “I am going to name my Leroy 7 Up.” The
other ladies said, “Why 7Up?” She replied, “Well my Leroy has 7
inches and it is always up!”
The next lady said, “I am going to name my Leroy Mountain Dew.”
The other two ladies said, “Why Mountain Dew?” “Well,” she said,
“My Leroy likes to mount me and he likes to do me.”
The third lady was scratching her head, she could not think of a
soda pop, finally she says, “I am going to name my Leroy Jack
Daniels.” The other two ladies said, “Jack Daniels isn’t a soda
pop, it’s a hard licquor.” She replied “THAT’S MY LEROY.”