The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Author: admin
The
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t
get it.
Hemmorhoids
Why don’t men have hemorrhoids?
Because when God created man, he created the perfect asshole.
Trick – Six
Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.
There’s no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them… really.
Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something)………
What is:
1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1
Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then arrow down
QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
Then arrow down. Keep going. You’re thinking of a carrot right?
If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else.
98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
Real Mothers…
Real Mothers . . .
Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to makeit.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask “why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
Un tipo hambriento entra a
Un tipo hambriento entra a un restaurante; se sienta en una mesa sucia y ordena:
“Ea, mesero, venga aqu� por favor.”
Pero nadie le hace caso.
Insiste:
“Oiga, mesero, venga por favor”
Nuevamente, nadie le hace caso.
Mientras espera, mira hacia la mesa y ve a 15 hormigas ‘punk’ en motos, armadas con bates, cadenas, navajas y l�tigos persiguiendo a una sola. La hormiga solitaria vest�a chamarra negra, pantal�n de cuero, botas negras y conduc�a una motocicleta plateada.
El hombre, asombrado, observa como el grupo de 15 hormigas intenta atrapa a la hormiga solitaria, cuando, de pronto, la hormiga solitaria da un giro de 180 grados en su veh�culo, saca un l�tigo y de un s�lo golpe tumba a 6 hormigas; se da la vuelta y sigue su camino.
“Las cosas se est�n poniendo buen�simas”, pens� el tipo. Hasta el apetito se le hab�a quitado.
La persecuci�n continuaba, y todas iban a la m�xima velocidad esquivando vasos y platos, de improviso, la solitaria saca del bolsillo una bomba de humo; enciende la mecha y la arroja hacia la pandilla. El humo se expandi� r�pidamente haciendo que las perseguidoras tuvieran poca visibilidad y dos hormigas m�s cayeron al suelo. Ahora �nicamente quedaban 7.
Varias hormigas le arrojaban navajas tratando de agujerear las llantas. Pero la hormiga era sorprendente y se mov�a de lado a lado. Col�rica, la hormiga jefe, una enorme roja, bien fortachona, saca una cadena larga y le pega un latigazo en el brazo a la solitaria. �sta perdi� el equilibrio y se estrell� contra un grano de arroz; r�pidamente la hormiga se levant� y se subi� a la moto, pero cuando levant� la mirada estaba rodeada. Las 7 hormigas punk, irritadas, sacaron sus armas; empiezan a acelerar sin avanzar, la otra hace lo mismo. Entonces las punk aceleran a toda velocidad con las armas al frente, la solitaria saca una cadena y de pronto…
Llega el mesero y limpiando la mesa dice:
“�Qu� le sirvo, se�or?”
Messages
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife,but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD, THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. it read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN PUT THE CANVAS AWAY THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.
To which she replied:
I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S THE BEST IN THE LAND BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND!
Black guy
Q: What do you call a black guy with acne?
A: Nestle Crunch Bar.
Un hombre de campo que
Un hombre de campo que se fue a trabajar a la ciudad, envi� un telegrama a su esposa con el siguiente texto:
�Cama lista, pierna abierta�.
La esposa, al leer el telegrama, se llen� de emoci�n, as� que corri� a su cuarto, alist� la cama, se puso la bata m�s sexy que encontr� y se prepar� para esperar a su marido. De pronto, se abre la puerta y entra el marido. El tipo, asombrado, exclama:
��Mujer! �Qu� te pasa? �Recibiste el telegrama? �No ves que tengo la pierna abierta? �Tuve un accidente!�
An IBM acronym
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
Drunk Driving Test
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.He said, ‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.’ She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, ‘It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.’ She replied, ‘You mean it shows that, too?’
On a clean disk you can seek forever….
On a clean disk you can seek forever.