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Hasty Departure

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A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way!”

Lost Buttons

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe.
Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.

The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

“Look, it’s the best place for you now,” the policeman replied, “Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.”

Things You’ll Never Hear a Southerner Say

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34 Things You’ll Absolutely Never Hear a Southerner Say

1. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
2. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
3. You can’t feed that to the dog.
4. I thought Graceland was tacky.
5. No kids in the back of the pick-up; it’s not safe.
6. Wrasslin’s fake.
7. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
8. We’re vegetarians.
9. Lee, do you think my hair is too big?
10. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
11. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
12. Who’s Richard Petty?
13. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
14. Deer heads detract from the decor.
15. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
16. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
19. The tires on that truck are too big.
20. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
21. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
22. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
23. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
24. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
25. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
26. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
27. Checkmate.
28. She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.
29. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
30. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
31. I don’t have a favorite college team.
32. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
33. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
34. Elvis who?

Un peque��n va con su

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Un peque��n va con su pap� y le pregunta:

“Pap�, �por qu� el c�sped es verde?”

El padre, al no saber la respuesta, apresura:

“Porque se ver�a muy extra�o en rojo, p�rpura o azul”.

“Ah, bueno, pap�. Gracias”.

Y antes de que se aleje el ni�o, el progenitor le pregunta:

“�No quieres que te explique por qu� el cielo es azul?”