A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse
writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her
lung sounds. Finally, I said, “Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.”
The child looked at me and calmly stated, “I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is
on my underwear.”
Author: admin
“Duck!”
The other day my wife, my son, and I were at the beach. Tommy, at 3 years, is
generally very good about being courteous and careful with other people. Like
any child his age however, he occasionally has lapses. On this occasion he
winged a Frisbee at my wife. After he did so, I prompted him for the usual
gosh-I-really-had-no-idea “Sorry�.
I said, “Tommy, what do you say when you almost hit someone with something?”
He immediately replied: “Duck!”
The ”perffect” toilet
One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury areoplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him ‘inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do dont press the third one.’ Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sat on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are Cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the scond button. Then dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to fin out what button 3 does. The next thing mark sees is John staring at him…..’what happened?’ mark asks shakily. Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital. ”Why do my privates hurt” mark asked anxiously..John replies ”Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.”
Two texas hunters
A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help.
First, lets make sure he’s dead…”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The hunter says, “OK, now what?”
Osama bin Laden
“We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one
year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter
of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders
say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate
caves.”
Bush or Kerry
There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy–Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.”
The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?”
Johnny says, “I’m a John F. Kerry fan.” The teacher asks why he’s a Kerry fan. The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a Kerry fan, and my Dad’s a Kerry fan, so I’m a Kerry fan!”
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if you’re Mom was a moron, and you’re dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
Johnny says, “That would make me a Bush fan.”
ha i made a funny
Q: What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Hey, get out of my son!
Jesus Is Gonna Get Y
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.”Jesus is gonna get you.” The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.”Jesus is gonna get you.” The robber started to get a little worried.”What’s your name, birdie?” “Moses.” “What dumbass named you Moses?” “The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus.”
TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DRUGS
These days, pressure to do drugs is all around, so it’s vital that you reach
your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to them about marijuana and
other illegal substances.
* Tell your kids that if they ever do drugs, CIA Director William Webster will
think they are losers.
* As an alternative to drugs, suggest “cool” drug-free activities, like making
a bird feeder out of a milk carton or interviewing local seniors about what the
olden days were like.
* Before engaging in any stressful discussion with your children, take a
moment to smoke a bowl or two to relax. Scare your kids straight with the
terrifying tale of the time you were 16 and did bong hits in the back of an El
Camino outside a Kansas concert.
* Explain that only lowlifes like pro athletes and rock stars use drugs.
* Kids may ask too many questions. To save time, just explain to them that the
powder-filled balloons will keep them from getting sick on the plane ride back
to America.
* If your child must use drugs, make it a culturally enriching experience by
hiring a certified shaman to take him/her on a traditional peyote vision quest.
* As an alternative to harmful drugs like marijuana, encourage your kids to
experiment with safe, legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol.
* Be direct, brief, and to the point. Remember, you only have about 45 minutes
or so before the acid really starts to kick in.
* Today’s kids place an emphasis on good “vibes” in a conversational setting.
Accentuate the site of your talk with black-light posters and lava lamps. Keep
the lighting dim, hanging wall-sized tie-dyes or tapestries over exterior
windows to blot out all sunlight.
* Explain to your kids that the reason they call it “dope” is that you have to
be a “dope” to use it. From then on, the mere mention of “dope” will flood their
minds with terrifying imagery of “being a dope,” scaring them off drugs
forever.
* Record your conversation with your child, then unspool, cut up and
reassemble the recording at random. Use the resultant juxtaposed fragments to
predict the future in a process similar to the throwing of the I Ching.
* Ask the editors of Highlights for Children to repeat the strip in which
Goofus OD’s and chokes on his own vomit in a bathroom stall at the train
station.
* Before bringing up drugs with your kids, hook your turntables up to
a wah-wah pedal.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.
McDonalds Monoply Contest Slogans
More than a billion screwed.
Contest error: collect 100 small apple pies.
Would you care for a rigged game piece with your order?
Supersize your disappointment!
Did somebody say scam artist today?
Become an instant millionaire: sue us for fraud!
Have you had your McScandal today?
We have a Monoply on all Grand Prizes!
Alternative Win95 slogans
Microsoft’s ad slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?”
Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:
1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 – Windows not found:
(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?