What’s the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic?
A psychotic doesn’t believe that 2 + 2 = 4.
A neurotic knows it’s true, but it bothers him.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
How come abbreviated is such
How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why are there 5 sylables in the word “monosylabic”? If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
Going to the movies
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.
It is once
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
Accountants pen
I’m not too sure about the accountant I hired to do my taxes.
After he finished filling out my tax return, he wiped his fingerprints off the pen.
Q: How many people
Q: How many people of the anti-matter Universe does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Minus 2. -1 to change the bulb, -1 to have a fight with Captain Kirk.
Equal positive integers
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.Proceed by induction.If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
Woodbanger
what do you call a woodpeeker with out a beak
a head banger
the Imortal Groucho
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)…………………………………………Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I wasconvulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.Room service? Send up a larger room.Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let thatfool you. He really is an idiot.Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.I must confess, I was born at a very early age.I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me asmembers.It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honour; which is probably more than she ever did.Women should be obscene and not heard.After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the hostboth sat down at center stage. Host: ‘I’m a big fan of yours, Groucho.’ Groucho: ‘If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.’Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?Time wounds all heels.Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorceand so will my wife.Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stewthem like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarbdoes. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.Whatever it is,… I’m against it.A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
2 Muffins
There were 2 muffins in an oven.
THe one muffin says “Damn, it’s really hot in here!”
The other muffin screams “AHHHHH a talking muffin!!!!”
El Banco Nacional de Tontilandia
El Banco Nacional de Tontilandia incorpor� como novedad a partir del 1/3/2001 un cajero autom�tico del tipo ‘Drive Thru’, para servirse desde el auto. Los clientes tienen ahora la posibilidad de extraer dinero sin dejar el auto.
Para poder aprovechar todas las ventajas de estas instalaciones, se ruega tener en cuenta las siguientes indicaciones:
CLIENTES NO NACIDOS EN TONTILANDIA
1 – Conduzca hasta el cajero autom�tico.
2 – Baje la ventanilla.
3 – Introduzca su tarjeta y n�mero de PIN.
4 – Seleccione el importe deseado.
5 – Retire el dinero.
6 – Retire su tarjeta y recibo.
7 – Cierre su ventanilla.
8 – Ret�rese.
CLIENTES TONTILANDESES
1 – Conduzca hasta el cajero autom�tico.
2 – Encienda el motor que se le apag�.
3 – Retroceda hasta el cajero autom�tico.
4 – Baje la ventanilla.
5 – Tome su chaqueta; vac�ela sobre el asiento del acompa�ante y busque su tarjeta.
6 – Intente introducir su tarjeta en el cajero autom�tico.
7- Abra la puerta del auto para alcanzar mejor el cajero autom�tico.
8 – Introduzca la tarjeta.
9 – Retire la tarjeta e introd�zcala nuevamente pero del otro lado.
10 – Tome su chaqueta y busque su agenda.
11 – Busque en la primera p�gina donde anota su n�mero de PIN.
12 – Introduzca su numero de PIN.
13 – Presione ‘Cancel’ e introduzca nuevamente su n�mero de PIN correcto.
14 – Seleccione el importe deseado.
15 – Retire el dinero y el recibo.
16 – Vac�e de nuevo su chaqueta; busque su billetera y guarde el dinero.
17 – Guarde el comprobante en alg�n lugar de la chaqueta.
18 – Conduzca dos metros hacia delante.
19 – Pare y retroceda hasta el cajero autom�tico.
20 – Retire su tarjeta.
21 – Vac�e nuevamente su chaqueta y coloque la tarjeta en el lugar correspondiente.
22 – Encienda el motor que se le apag�.
23 – Conduzca unos 3 � 4 Km.
24 – Pare y libere el freno de mano.
25 – Adem�s, apague las escobillas porque le est�n rayando el parabrisas.
26 – Puede seguir su viaje.
Mafalda creci�, y un d�a
Mafalda creci�, y un d�a le lleg� la primera menstruaci�n, mientras estaba sola. Corri� a la casa de Susanita, y no estaba. Fue a la de Libertad, pero tampoco estaba. Entonces fue a ver a la mam� de Felipito, la cual tampoco estaba. Felipito, al verla tan turbada, le pide que le cuente y le dice:
“Mafalda, yo s� un mont�n de mujeres, he le�do mucho y todo…”
Mafalda lo piensa un instante y decide levantarse el vestido y mostrarle la bombachita con sanbre, a lo que Felipito exclam�:
“�Ay, Mafalda… te cortaron las bolas!”