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The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
The secretary’s reply, “My lawyer!”
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked: “What’s going on?”
To which the drunk replied: “I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Witold!Witold who?Witold you what to do!
Wot have toilets and anniversaries got in common?Men miss them both!
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
You Know You’re From California When…
1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
2. Your were born somewhere else
3. You know how to eat an artichoke
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
5. Your car has bulletproof windows
6. Left is right and right is wrong
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
8. Your mouse has only one ball
9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
11. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party
13. Your family tree contains “significant others”
14. Your dog has it’s own psychiatrist
15. You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
17. More than clothes come out of the closets
18. “The Dead” are best live
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
22. Smoking in your office is not optional
23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach
24. When you can’t meet schedule because you must “do lunch”
25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
27. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day
29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
30. When all highways into the state say: “No fruits”
31. All highways out of the state say: “Go back”
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
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Why is a degree like a condom?
It’s rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and it’s worthless the next day!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?” The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.” “I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”