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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: “Can I have a hot rag for my nose?”
The bartender says “yes, but why do you need that for your nose?”
The man answers “Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.”
What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone? A golden receiver!
What did Clinton say the night after the Lewinsky story broke?
What A Bad Tripp.
What do you call a black lady with braces?
– A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker
Priests should really be allowed to marry.
Until then, they’ll never know what HELL is really like.
A man was talking to the Lord about women. “Lord why did you make women so
beautiful?”
The answer came, “So you would look at them.”
Again the man asked, “Lord why did you make women so lovely?”
The reply came down, “So you would love them.”
The man asked one more question. “Lord, why did you make women so dumb?”
The Lord said, “So they would love you.”
There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry
across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff”
Theorem: n=n+1Proof:(n+1)^2 = n^2 + 2*n + 1Bring 2n+1 to the left:(n+1)^2 – (2n+1) = n^2Substract n(2n+1) from both sides and factoring, we have:(n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) = n^2 – n(2n+1)Adding 1/4(2n+1)^2 to both sides yields:(n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 = n^2 – n(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2This may be written:[ (n+1) – 1/2(2n+1) ]^2 = [ n – 1/2(2n+1) ]^2Taking the square roots of both sides:(n+1) – 1/2(2n+1) = n – 1/2(2n+1)Add 1/2(2n+1) to both sides:n+1 = n
Little Johnny’s teacher asked him, “Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, “bitter end” in it.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.”
How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2: One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
room spins.
If you can read thisYou’re not from here