There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”
Author: admin
Fun things to do in a final
Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… Sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”
Worst Knock-Knock
Knock Knock.
Come on in, the door is open!
New Barbies
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her ageing gracefully.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do”
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.
10. Single Mother Barbie. There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, “Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self.”
Round trip
Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
She wanted to go on a round trip.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A Dollar for Israel
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.”Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?””Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'””That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?””Vell, you know,” said the old man, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”
Going To Disneyland
Once three blondes were going to Disneyland. The driver who was really dumb saw a sign that said “Disneyland left” so they turned around and went home!
War Tree
What kind of a tree fights in a war?
A mili-tree.
Bah Humbug Christmas
T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!
If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!
Uhh yea…..
your mommas teeth r so yellow, when she closes her mouth her tummy glows…
Light Bulb Jokes Galore!
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None ‘o yo’ freakin’ bitness!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say “Fabulous.’
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?”
Dos ancianos a�oraban casarse, as�
Dos ancianos a�oraban casarse, as� que se dirigieron al cura m�s cercano. Cuando llegaron el cura les pregunt�, “�en qu� les puedo ayudar?”
El anciano le responde: “�Deseamos casarnos!”
Comienzan una peque�a charla, ya que el cura no los quiere casar, debido a que por su avanzada edad si sosten�an relaciones continuamente uno de los dos pod�a morir. Al final llegan a un arreglo y deciden que �nicamente pueden hacer el amor cada quince d�as.
Durante un largo tiempo los ancianos cumplen con este requisito, cuando en una noche
la anciana se dirige muy cautelosamente hacia la habitaci�n del anciano. Cuando el anciano se da cuenta de la presencia de su esposa le dice:
“MIJA, acu�rdese del compromiso que hicimos con el cura de solamente hacer el amor cada quince d�as, y recuerde que apenas ayer fue el d�a.”
Y la venerable anciana le contesta:
“�MIJO, ES QUE YO VENGO A VER SI ME ADELANTA UNA QUINCENITA!”