Yours Fun Portal !
Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3) The energy required to change either one of these states will
always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
much as to make the task totally impossible.
A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in unusual activities.
“Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love.”
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
“Professor,” he says, “Either you don’t know how to fuck, or I don’t know how to shit!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
When you tell a man you meet for the first time you’re a nurse, you’re expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you’ve ever heard.
Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient’s bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
Men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazling
Q:How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A:The cow sat down
Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing George W. Bush’s visit to
their ranch earlier that day.
“The funniest part,” the first one said, “was when he kept trying to honk the
cow’s horns, complaining that they didn’t work.”
They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, “No, the best was when he asked
if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow.”
They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, “No, boys, the best
was when he tried to milk that steer!”
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover’s Lane.
He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
“Awwwww Hell !” he murmured, “Fuzz !”
“What did ya expect ?” Phoebe sez, “A perm?”
Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.
The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.
The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.
The third guy swam 99 miles, and said,”I’m tired. I think I’ll swim back.”
You’re a redneck if…. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer
bottle.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.” The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible”, says the bartender…”I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. “Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns to him and says: “No, I’m ok… I’m just waiting for a fax.”
In the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog. So one day Dave goes into the pet store
and says, “I need the best guard dog I can buy.” The petstore owner goes
to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, “That’s no
guard dog!” The owner said, “Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows
karate,” The owner said, “Dog, karate that chair.” and the chair turned
into a pile of splinters. Dave said, “I’ll take it!!” When he got home, he
told his wife about this dog and said, “Watch this, my dog knows karate.”
The wife looked over and said, “Karate my ass!”
15> He likes his Irish coffee like he likes his women: loaded with whiskey.
14> He likes his coffee like he likes his strippers: scalding hot and in his lap.
13> He likes his coffee like a major league catcher likes his privates: in a large, strong cup.
12> I like my coffee like I like my recently deceased Chihuahua: stored in the freezer to lock in freshness.
11> He likes his coffee like a baby likes fruit juice in a bottle: sweet, spill-resistant and something to occupy the mouth when no naked breasts are around.
10> I like my coffee like I like surrealist humor: giraffe.
9> He likes his coffee like he likes his one-night stands: stale, bitter, smoking like a chimney, with a butt-ugly mug.
8> I like my coffee like I like my women: hot. Of course, the difference is I can actually *get* hot coffee.
7> I like my coffee like I like my meddlesome neighbors: ground into tiny bits.
6> She likes her coffee like divorce attorneys like their clients: very rich, very bitter and with lots of grounds.
5> I like my coffee like I like my sex: cheap and frothy, from a girl in a green apron.
4> I like my coffee like Jacko likes his playmates: sweet, aged 8 years and covered with half-and-half.
3> He likes his coffee like he likes his flatulence: made from the finest beans, rich enough to smell from across the room and satisfying to the last “Ah-h-h-h!”
2> She likes her coffee like she likes her Iraqi information ministry: chock full o’ nuts.
1> I like my coffee like Maria Myerson, a girl in fifth grade who gave every boy except me a Valentine, even though I had written her love poems in my own blood every day — ruining me for life, that ungrateful skank prosti– um, sorry… cold, with a bitter aftertaste.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.” The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?” Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.” The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?” The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”