First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest.

Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the… bug is close.

It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of… termites.

You can lead a horse to water but … how?

Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.

No news is… impossible.

A miss is as good as a… Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog… math.

If you lie down with dogs, you… will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust… me.

The pen is mightier than… the pigs.

An idle mind is… the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there’s… pollution.

Happy is the bride who… gets all the presents.

A penny saved is… not much.

Two is company, three’s… The Musketeers.

None are so blind as… Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.

You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind… get out of the way.

There is no fool like… Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and you have to blow your nose.

Little Princess meets a talking frog…

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put
a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children
and forever feel happy doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed
to herself and thought “I don’t fucking think so.”

I didn’t recognize you

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on
the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my
time up?” God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair
color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40
years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

Wooden Leg?

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. “How did the pig get a wooden leg?”, he asks the farmer.

“Well”, says the farmer, “that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them.”

“And that was when he hurt his leg?” asked the salesman.

“Oh no” says the farmer. “He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure.”

“So the bear injured his leg then.” says the salesman.

“Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown.”

“So he hurt his leg then?” asks the salesman.

“Oh no,” says the farmer.

“So how did he get the wooden leg?” the salesman asks.

“Well”, the farmer tells him, “A pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once.”

Tons of Funny One-liners!

More One-liners worth passing on…

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In two words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.
Accept than some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
If you can’t be the tablecloth, don’t be the dishrag.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
You’ll never be the man your mother was!
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Don’t hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.
Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
Don’t cook tonight — starve a rat today!
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.