The Top 11 Jerry Hall Divorce Demands for Mick Jagger

11. $90,000/month in child support; $150,000/month for the child’s diction lessons.

10. Restraining order keeping Keith 50 yards away from her bathroom medicine cabinet at all times.

9. Cash value from his Lloyd’s of London Lip Insurance policy.

8. Custody of Bill Wyman’s wife and the rest of the kids.

7. Satisfaction, Baby!

6. Has to admit publicly that Steven Tyler’s lips are fatter than his.

5. Jerry keeps: sports cars and palatial estate Mick keeps: walker, clapper and Matlock videos

4. Financial support for her destitute brother, Arsenio.

3. Jerry keeps the kids; Mick keeps Kato.

2. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get half his stuff.

1. Keith must be removed from the wine cellar and given a proper burial.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com]

A Prank backfires

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room: ‘I just want to let you all know something. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, ‘cos I’ve just won a shit-load of money, and I’m leaving!’End of job. End of marriage.End of story.

The Top 16 Signs Ken Has Reached Middle Age

16> Cool beachwear now consists of a Hawaiian shirt buttoned to the neck, Bermuda shorts hiked up to nipple level, black socks and sandals.

15> Dumps Barbie, steals her Corvette, and goes cruisin’ for hot Sailor Moon chicks, Spice Girl dolls and Power Puff Girls.

14> New anatomically correct version has comb-able ear and back hair.

13> Can’t seem to get it up with anyone but Dominatrix Stacie(R).

12> Convertible? Check.

Blonde Bimbo? Check.

Fake Hair? Check.

Hey, Ken’s been middle-aged since 1972!

11> Due to a recent court order, toy stores can no longer stock him within 2 aisles of “Catholic Schoolgirl Skipper.”

10> Young Ken: lack of penis resulted in sexual frustration with Barbie.

Old Ken: lack of penis results in inability to refuse trips to antique store.

9> Sudden existential crisis makes him worry that people perceive him to be plastic.

8> New “Comb-Over Ken” spends hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to cover the bald spot with three strands of plastic hair.

7> Protruding gut magically retracts whenever Barbie’s teenage sister Kelly comes around.

6> Bottle of Viagra: $40

Hair transplants: $900

New red Ferrari: $175,000

The look on Barbie’s face when you tell her you’re leaving her for her younger sister, Skipper: Priceless.

5> “I don’t care if it IS the size of a large bagel to you, you’re gonna choke down that blue pill, Plastic Boy!”

4> Lately he’s been lobbying Mattel to make an “American Beauty Edition” Skipper, complete with rose petals.

3> New “Workout Ken” comes complete with a running bra.

2> “Hey Barb, if we get to The Sizzler at 4:00, we can get the ‘Early Bird’.”

1> Bad news: doctor wants to start doing regular prostate checks

Worse news: no visible rectum

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Powerfull crisps

patient#1:i ate so many bags of crisps i was so powerfull.
doctor:were they called super crisps.
patient#1:no power full crisps
doctor:well your a very super patient
patient#1:listen its got nothing to do with that
doctor: well the only crisps invented are super crisps.
patient#1:i thought they were called powerfull crisps?
patient#2:will you hurry up in there im waiting
patient#1:im hungry i need a packet of crisps

Un hombre manco iba caminando

Un hombre manco iba caminando por la calle cuando se encontr� una tienda de tecnolog�a super-avanzada, entra y mira en un estante “Brazo Robotiko, ver. USA, activado con voz”. Rapid�simo lo agarra y se lo lleva al mostrador y le dice al que atiende: “Me lo llevo”, le contesta “muy bien se�or, pero debo advertirle que este aparato s�lo entiende ingl�s”, “no importa, soy biling�e” y ya, se lo lleva a su casa.

A la hora de probarlo, se sirve un vaso de agua con la otra mano y dice: “A ver si sirve, DRINK!” y zaz, se lleva el vaso a la boca, el hombre emocionado lo repite, “DRINK!”, y otra vez; ya con confianza decide irse a bailar.

Estando en la pista de baile, dice, “DANCE!”, y de volada saca los pasos m�s modernos. Despu�s de un rato y unos tragos, le dan ganas de ir al sanitario, ah� dice OPEN ZIPPER! PULL OUT!

Cuando acaba de orinar, el hombre se excita con una foto de una mujer desnuda en la pared, y le dice al brazo, PULL! se va excitando m�s y m�s y le dice, PULL!, PULL!, HARDER!!! y de pronto snatch! de tan fuerte que se la jal�, se la arranca. Entonces el hombre dice asustado FUCK!!!

Y el brazo le mete el pito arrancado por el trasero.

Parking ticket

I was having a bad day. For one thing I hadn�t slept well the previous night
because of another loud party next door. On top of that, I felt a cold coming
on. So I drove to the neighborhood drugstore, and ran in for a couple of
minutes, just to get some cough drops. When I came out, there was a cop, writing
a ticket for the expired parking meter. �Give a girl a break, would you?� I
asked him. He ignored me and went on writing. I called him a �pencil-necked
Nazi.� He glared at me and began writing a second ticket for the expired city
sticker. I called him a �horse�s ass,� and he began writing another ticket–for
worn tires!! I didn�t care. It wasn�t my car, but I�d recognized it as my noisy
neighbor�s. I take my fun where I can get it.

Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

“That may be true”, said Sleeping Beauty, “but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world”.

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru’s cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: “It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: “Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???”

You’ve Got Mail

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.”

The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”