10. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Author: admin
The idiot drunk!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the hell was that all about?”
Still staring down, the drunk replied, “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!”
Y2K Status Report…
Y2K Status Report…
”Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the ”Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
and…:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We’ll await your direction.”
Manhattan with a Plum
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan with a plum in it.
The bartender says, “You mean a cherry.”
She says, “No, I mean a plum.”
The bartender says, “Look lady, I’ve been tending bar for 20 years and you’re the first person that’s ever asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?”
She said, “Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I’ve been plumb crazy ever since!”
Unos espermatozoides se encuentran en
Unos espermatozoides se encuentran en los test�culos y hab�a uno, llamado Manolo, que siempre quedaba �ltimo en la carrera hacia el �vulo. El pobre les daba pena a los dem�s y por eso un d�a decidieron dejarle ganar.
Lleg� el d�a y se di� el pistoletazo de salida. Todos salieron disparados y el pobre Manolo se empez� a quedar rezagado, as� que los dem�s frenaron para dejarle ganar. Manolo los adelant� a todos y plet�rico se puso primero. Poco a poco fue llegando a la luz que ve�a al final del t�nel y sali� disparado finalmente por el agujero final gritando:
“��Agarradme que es una paja…!!”
Witchcraft
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and
yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called
golf.
Mets Fan
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NY METS fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Met fans too.Not really knowing what a METS fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.”Because I’m not a METS fan,”Then, asks the teacher, what are you?””Why I’m proud to be a Yankees fan,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.She asks Lucy why she is a Yankees fan. “Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankee fans, and I’m a Yankee fan too,”The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be a METS fan.”
Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
:1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day! 2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me. 3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire. 4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese. 5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose. 6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right. 7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. 8. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off. 9. 23 power cords, 1 outlet. 10. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds. 11. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me. 12. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
Yo mamma’s so stupid…
Yo mamma’s so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and said “Hey, where’s my gumball?”
Men’s Mind
A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to to their seperate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.”
So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says ” Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?”
The women gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says “Clumsy bitch.”
I see your problem
In some foreign country a Athens State Priest, a University of Alabama Lawyer
and an Auburn Engineer are about to be guillotined. The Priest puts his head on
the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he’s been
saved by divine intervention, so he’s let go.
The Lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade.
He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he too, is set free.
They grab the Auburn Engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks
up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”
Yo mama’s so fat the only time she see’s …
Yo mama’s so fat the only time she sees 90210 — is on a scale!