The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, “How can you ring the bell?” The man said, “Let me show you.”So they went up to the top of the bell tower and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, and then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, “What happened? Who was that?” The second priest said, “I don’t know but that face sure rings a bell!”
Author: admin
Knock KnockWho’s there?Olaf!Olaf who?Olaf you!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Olaf!Olaf who?Olaf you!
The Priest and the Bus Driver
A bus driver and a priest died and were standing at the door of
heaven. Peter looked at the bus driver and said, “Well done,
good and faithful servant. Enter and go live forever in that
large mansion overlooking the valley.”
The priest, thought to himself, “Boy, if he gets that, what am I
going to get?” Peter then turned to him and said, “Well done,
enter and go live forever in that small cottage at the bottom of
the valley.”
The priest then set foot down the valley feeling humbled and not
a little jealous. He then turned round and shouted to Peter,
“Hey, how come he, a bus driver, got a beautiful mansion and me,
a priest, only got a dinky little cottage at the bottom of the
valley?”
“Well, my son,” Peter replied, “When you preached, folks fell
asleep, but when he drove a bus, folks prayed!”
Gorilla love
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. ‘First,’ he said, ‘I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.’ The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. ‘Well,’ said Mike, ‘you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.’
Yo momma is so fat
your momma is so fat she got baptised at sea world
Little Black Boy
The little black boy went into the kitchen, his mother was
making fried chicken. He put his hand in the flour and patted it
one his face. He said, “Look mom I’m a white boy.” She slapped
him in the face and told him to go tell his father what he did.
He said, “Look dad I’m a white boy.” His father slapped him told
him to go tell his grandmother what he has done.
Now his grandmother slapped him and told him to go see his
mother. He went back into the kitchen and his mother asked if he
had learned anything from this. He said yes I’ve only been white
for 5 min and I already hate nig—-.
Sorority Girls
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
Your Name Is Missing
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times…
He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, Ii already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!”
Viagra for the guy with three women
Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Look, I’ve got three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent all night?”The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled ‘Viagra Extra Strength’ containing single wrapped packets. He says, “Take one of these and you’ll go crazy for 12 hours.”Crazy Mike replies, “Hell, gimme three”The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, “Well, how’d it go?” In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that’s black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen.Crazy Mike says, “Gimme a tube of Ben Gay.”The pharmacist replies in horror. “You’re not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?”Mike replies, “Hell, no, it’s for my arms. The girls didn’t show up.”
Elephant
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? SWIMMING TRUNKS !!!
Hints he’s a bad Chiropractor
From Late Show with David Letterman
Top Ten Signs You’ve Gone To a Bad Chiropractor
10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
9. Keeps saying, “A spine is like a box of chocolates.”
8. Repeatly asks, “You a cop? You sure you ain’t a cop?”
7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by “Uh-oh”.
6. There’s a two drink minimum.
5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, “My turn!”
4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he’s covered with mud.
3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
2. Hints that for an extra $50, he’ll “straighten” something else.
1. You’re fully-clothed and he’s naked.
The Hats Off Test
This is actually on the books for OSHA.
AGREEMENT: We agree that if you are a type of individual whose
head meets the Standards of Protection under ANSI Z89.1-1969,
you will not be required to wear a hard hat. Any employee who
feels they may quilify should contact your foreman or your
safety officer to arrange for testing.
PROCEDURES: Following the satisfactory completion of the test as
described below, the employee will receive a certificate, which
will identify your head as conforming to the requirements of
American National Standards Institute (ANSI Z89.1-1969, cLASSES
A, B, C, and D). A wallet size card will also be issued which
must be carried with you at all times, while on the job site as
proof that your head is in compliance.
TEST REQUIREMENTS
* The test object (your head) wil receivea 24 hour water
immersion test. The maximum permitted absorption is 0.5 percent
by wheight.
* The impact test requires that you be placed in a horizontal
position with your head upon a steel plate. An eight pound steel
ball will be dropped upon your head from a height of 15 feet.
(your head) must suffer no damage.
* The test object (your head) will be subject to a variety of
acids, solvents and oils. After thorough testing with chemicals,
it must exhibit no damage or deficiencies.
* A propane torch will be used to determine if your head is fire
resistant. If it proves to be only “slow burning” you will
receive a class A or B rating; however if holes should appear in
your head, only a C or D rating will be issued.
* The final test will be to determine if your head is capable of
withstanding an electrical charge. The head must sustane 2,000
volts AC, 60 Hz for a total of three minutes. The leakage
current shall not exceed nine milliamperes.
* All of the above tests must be conducted at a variety of
temperatures ranging from a minus twenty (-20) to one hundred
forty (+140) degrees fahrenheit.