How does a UNIX expert have sex?
Unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
Career Advice
A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her
Psychiatrist�s couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
“I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a
secretary and failed. I tried being a writer and failed. I tried being a sales
clerk and I failed at that, Too.”
The shrink thought for a moment and said, “Everyone needs to live a full,
satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?”
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says, “Well,Go ahead. I’ll give it a try!”
Dad’s job
Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out; Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy,
Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
“No” said Edward, “He plays Rugby for the Blues but I was just too embarrassed to say.”
College days
George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing
spin control on his past drug problems.
“Dubya,” said his PR guy, “We’ve got to know, are the rumors true about your
using cocaine in college.”
“It’s true,” replied Bush, “but it isn’t my fault. My parents were rich, and I
was born with a silver spoon in my nose.”
The Vet Delivers
There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.
The vet asked, “Is anything happening?”
The doctor replied, “Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don’t think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.”
The vet said, “okay” and the doctor went on the fishing trip.
When he returned, he called the vet. “How did things go while I was gone?”
“Pretty good.”
“Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?”
“Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone’s doing fine.”
“Did you have any trouble?”
“Well, there was just one little problem.”
“What was that?”
“I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!”
Sunday Golf
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he
could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday
was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky,
and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play
golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could
not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where
no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went
to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is
doing.”
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at
the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup
three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed
and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!”
God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”
3 fucking flys flys
there was three flys in a jar 2 female 1 male the one of the females ask the male how do we get out of here the male said suck my dick and I will tell you so she did he told her fly to the top as fast as you can so she did and she broke her neck and fell down and died the other female asked the same question did the same thing and died the same way
the male got tired of being in there with two dead girls and got out
now ask how he got out and scroll down
suck my dick and I will tell you
50 Government Officials and 50 Lesbians
What do you call 50 goverment officials and 50 lesbians in the same room?
100 people who don’t do dick!
Quick, call the Vet
Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, “How’s our bull doing?”
Frank says, “Our bull ain’t doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don’t want nothing to do with them.”
The banker says, “You better call the veterinarian.”
A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, “How’s our bull doing now?”
Frank says, “Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors’ cows.”
The banker says, “Wow! What did the Vet give him?”
Frank says, “He gave him some pills.”
The banker says, “What kind of pills?”
Frank says, “I don’t know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint.”
An affair to remember
A businessman comes home for lunch to his high rise apartment and while he’s putting his key in the door, his wife is in bed with another guy, and hears the door. It’s my husband! she exclaimed. Panicked, the guy runs, naked, looking for a place to hide. He decides on the refrigerator and gets inside of it. Meanwhile, the husband, suspecting his wife of cheating, demands to know where the guy is hiding. He tears the apartment up, then in a rage, picks up the fridge and throws it out the window. The strain caused him to have a massive heart attack and he dies. At the gates of Heaven, he is greeted by St Peter and is asked, “How did you die?” He replies, “I came home from work, thought my wife had a man in the apartment, got pissed, threw the fridge out the window, had a heart attack and died” St Peter wrote this in his book, then asked this naked guy beside of the businessman hiw he had died. The guy says, “Well, I was just sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own business”
Confucius says again…
1. Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can’t walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Hellacious
Q: Why’d the lawyer go to Heaven?
A: Hell was full.