Yours Fun Portal !
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. “Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.
“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”
“You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.
“Sectional, schmectional.” she bitterly retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”
How does a Redneck practice safe sex?
He puts X’s on the cows that kick.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.When asked what the capital of California was; answered “C”Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to
find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a
cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
“A magic potion” she replies.
“Well what does it for” he asks. “This potion will make anyone an
excellent golfer.”
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is
agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his
sex life.
After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.
He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of
golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He
spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every
course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After
a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the
witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk
to her.
“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?” “Great! This has been
the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and
never lost a game.”
“And how about your sex life?” “Oh, not bad.”
“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many
times did you have sex last year?” “Hmmmm, it was three, no, four
times.”
“And you call that not bad?” “Not for a priest with a small parish.”
How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?
…Three in front and three in back…
what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? pregnant
Dear Abby,
My husband has cheated on me our entire marriage. He tells
everybody how much he loves me, but they all know what he’s
doing. He has many influential friends and they just pretend
it’s not happening because they want his help in big deals.
They’re so snowed by him that they avoid the whole issue. I know
I should be thankful that he is successful in his profession,
but now many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he
gets caught, he first denies it all, then admits that he was
wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so
long, everyone in town knows he’s a cheater. I don’t know what to
do. Frustrated.
Dear Frustrated,
Why don’t you move to New York and run for the Senate?
Abby
A man makes a call to the police-
Man:
“Help!I’ve been robbed and my whife has been kidnapped!”
Operator:
“When did this happen?”
Man:
“About the middle of the night.”
Operator:
“Where did the burgalar enter?”
Man:
“I don’t know,could have been the door or the window.”
Operator:
“Did you lock everything?”
Man:
“Yes!Yes!But I don’t know how he got in and why he would take my
butiful,darling whife!”
Operator:
“What was the last thing she said to you?”
Man:
“Unnnnnn…..Oh! I remember! It was “Honey open the damn window
I’m burning up in here!”
“If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably
choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin
Mary.”
– Margaret Atwood
An scots man a french man a pakistani man and an english man are sitting in the pub talking when the scots man picks up the bottle of whiskey on the table and throws it out of the window saying “we have so many of them in scotland i dont want to see another one” at hearing this the french man grabs the red rose from the vase on the table and exclaims “we too have so many roses that i to do not want to see one” the english man then gets to his feet and grabs the pakistanian man and throws him out the window shouting “we have so many of them in england i dont want to see another one”.
A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”
“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”
“My goodness!” the woman exclaimed, “sounds like leasing a new sports car!”
“Humm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”
Dos homosexuales van caminando por la calle. Uno de ellos comenta:
“�Ay, mana, acabo de venir de la cita con mi ur�logo!”
“�Ay! �Y qu� te dijo?”
“Me diagnosticaron piedritas en los ri�ones”.
“�Babosa, eso te pasa por meterte con alba�iles!”