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Sooooo Blonde

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She was so blonde…

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of ‘walk’ and ‘don’t walk’.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under ‘education’ on her job application, she put ‘Hooked On Phonics.’

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says ‘sign here’, she put ‘Sagittarius.’

She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

If she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test… and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the ‘NC-17’ (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

Little boy

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A little boy says “mom can I take a shower with you?” She says ” yes if you dont look up or down” so they got in the shower and the boy looks up”What are thoughs?” he says “They must be head lights” then he looked down and said”whats that,it must be a garage” The next day the little boy says “daddy can I take a shower with you?” he said “yes but dont look down” so when he got in the shower he looked down. “Whats that? it must be a snake.” That night he asked “mommy daddy can i sleep with you?” “they sai “yes but dont look under the covers” so he looked and yelled “Mommy turn on your headlights the snakes going into the garage!!!”

Halloween Party

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A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So
he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping for
an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the
party.

Since her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his
time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill
and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had
a real good time!”

The following are only learned from college

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21. Labs used to be fun.22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.24. E-mail becomes your second language.25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.

Mother – Daughter Help

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A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it’s like for her.Mom: So…. now that you’ve started dating, what’s it like getting intimate with young men?Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn’t working for me.Mom: How?Daughter: Oh, stuff….Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it’s important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters…Daughter: I don’t know…..Mom: Now don’t forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.Daughter: Really?Mom: Really…Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

Heavenly Reward

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Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them
there.

St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re
here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.
Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t you will forfeit your
privilege of being here and we’ll have to ask you to visit our friend below.
Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a
car here in Heaven because it is so big!”

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, “How long were you married?”

The guy replies, “24 years.”

St. Peter then asks, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The guy says, “Yes, about 10 times…but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”

The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to whom he
replies, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was
during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln Town Car for you to
drive.”

The third guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to
ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated
my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive” A
little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with
the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the
matter. When they asked him what was wrong he wearily said, “I just saw my wife
and she was on a skateboard!”

Frame of Mind

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Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She’s 5’10”, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, “It’s women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!”

Devious Vs. Gullible by Bekah Smith

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Women love the word “forever,”
Only because you misinterpret it.
Forever means nothing more than this:
“Until you start to get on my nerves.”

She may tell you you’re cute.
But just remember.
Babies and Bunnies are cute,
Men are handsome.

She might say I don’t need your help.
But don’t let this fool you,
She just doesn’t want to admit
That she’s only in it for the money.

At some point she’ll probably say she’s happy.
But of course she’s happy!
She’s got you wrapped around one finger
While pressing the “Buy” button with the other.

So later on when she says “I love you,”
Think to yourself,
“We’re together forever, she’s happy,
I’m cute, and she doesn’t need my help.”