There was a man who walked up to the bartender talking to his hand the bartender says i have a cell phone installed in my hand the bartender says whatever the man asks where the bathroom is the bartender points to it a half an hour later the man is still not back from the bathroom yet so the bartender goes to check on him the man is lying down on the floor with his pants down holding a roll of toilet paper the bartender says what the hell are you doing the man replies “reicieving a fax”
Author: admin
Yo Mama’s so fat… Jerry Springer
Yo Mama’so fat she was on Jerry Springer and Ricky Lake at the same time.
Garden Of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian!”
The Top 15 Drawbacks of Face Transplants (Part I)
15> Oops! Looks like you got Travolta’s body, too.14> The old owner never trimmed his nose hairs. But look on the bright side: The comb-over covers your bald spot.13> Uninsured patients all get generic yellow smiley faces.12> Despite your magnificent body, your husband is repelled by your five o’clock shadow.11> Cutting-edge technology, the most advanced facilities and the most accomplished surgeons in the world — and when it’s over, you’ll *still* be an asshole.10> Looks like we’ll be stuck with some form of Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers for another few centuries.9> Catch a doctor on a bad day and suddenly all those buttface comments aren’t quite as funny, are they?8> The end of every Scooby Doo episode changes from suspenseful to nauseating.7> Yes, your monkeyface has been replaced, but some smartass surgeon gave you a gibbonface instead.6> That new face smell only lasts for a few months.5> If you happen to get one of Michael Jackson’s old ones, you could never teach third grade again.4> Saving face now requires dry ice and extra attic space.3> Local punks keep stealing the jar by Eleanor Rigby’s door.2> When you do a face-plant while riding your mountain bike, it’s embarrassing having to send a Secret Service agent back to pick it up.1> You wanted Mary Kate, but dammit, they gave you Ashley! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Fucking fence!
A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places
they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded
countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the
road.
The woman says, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty
years ago!”
The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he
immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never
before.
Back in the car, the guys says, “Darlin’, you sure never moved like that
forty year ago — or any time since that I can remember.”
The woman says, “Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn’t electrified!”
Moments of Viagra
Happy moments, praise Viagra.
Difficult moments, seek Viagra.
Quiet moments, worship Viagra.
Painful moments, trust Viagra.
Every moment, thanks Viagra.
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Yo mama is so ugly
Yo mama so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
The 5 toughest questions!
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers…
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I’ve seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is “Buy a
Corvette.”) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don’t you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
M: Okay, I’d get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She’s left-handed.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Turin!Turin who?Turin to
Knock KnockWho’s there?Turin!Turin who?Turin to a vampire on Halloween!
The capitalism
The capitalism is exploitation of humans by humans. Communism – in opposite!
In Communication With The Office
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.
The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. “O.K. buy 100 shares,” the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, “I’m such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere.”
On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his hear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don’t have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone.” The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German stands up tall and says, “O.K., sell the company now.” Then he loosens up and tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.”
Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
At the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes to find him.
They find him with his pants around his knees, squatting.
“Oh, we’re sorry,” the American exclaims, somewhat embarassed, “we’ll leave you alone.”
“That’s O.K.”, the Japanese executive says, “I’m just waiting for a fax!”
Computer Terms
486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.
Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.
G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say, “Gee, three times faster than the
computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”
Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a
computer and money is no object.”
Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a
Syntax Error.
GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (Pronounced
“gooey”)
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on
vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.