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A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size.
He has an extremely small penis and doesn’t want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when him and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, “Thanks for offering, but I don’t smoke.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides, every other broker in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. She visited a local car dealer and saw a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it’s gorgeous lines and red paint. An empty cheque stub later and off she was, tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the stereo, what could possibly be better? What could possibly go wrong?As that thought crossed her mind, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded that she didn’t have a bloody clue as to what was wrong. She grabbed her pocket phone and called the AutoClub. A short while later a bright shiny yellow tow truck pulled up behind her. ‘That’s a lovely car,’ says the mechanic. ‘What seems to be the matter?’ Well, it just conked out I’m afraid.”Let me have look.’ He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. ‘Thank goodness,’ she said. ‘What was the matter ?”Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,’ he replied.Looking shocked she asked, ‘Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?’
M.I.T.: “I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.””Have some fries.”Caltech: “I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.””Have some fries.”Yale: “I got mugged on the way to class today.””Have some fries.”Brown: “I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.””Cool! Me too! Have some fries.”Swarthmore: “I got a B.””Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.”Princeton: “My father took away my Porsche this weekend.””Poor dear. Have some Escargot.”Harvard: “Did you do anything this weekend?””Nope. Have some fries.”Williams: “Don’t I know you?””Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.”Cornell: “I killed my lab partner this weekend.””Bummer. Have some fries.”Columbia: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.””Me too. Let’s go get shot.”Penn: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.””Me too. Let’s transfer to Columbia.”Stanford: “Dude, I have so much work this weekend.””Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.”Dartmouth: “Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.””Have some beer.”Tufts: “I wish I were Ivy League.””Here, drink the fry grease.”
How do u now ur at a gay barbeque?
The hot dogs taste like shit!
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
You don’t know Jack Schitt!
When someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, well, now you’ll know the entire story.
Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.
Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.
As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt’s twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.
Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.
So the next time someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” you can say “Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!”
“Doctor Doctor I ate a pack of cards!”
Doctor:”I’ll deal with you later.”
Gravity is because the earth sucks.
your right leg is Christmas your left leg is Thanksgiving can I get in between the holidays?
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people.”
— J. Danforth Quayle
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — J. Danforth
Quayle
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” —
Vice President Dan Quayle
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean
in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I
didn’t live in this century.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy – but that could change.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”
— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,
though.]
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” — Vice President
Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle
“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements
in the Future.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“The future will be better tomorrow.” — Vice President Dan Quayle
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle
“Public speaking is very easy.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.” — Vice President
Dan Quayle
“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has a job next year.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” —
Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.” — Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle
“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle
Why do vampires eat in transport cafes?
They can eat for necks to nothing in them.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis