Yours Fun Portal !
Estaban dos homosexuales, Marcelo y Camilo, al lado de una piscina. Entonces se ponen su traje de ba�o para meterse a la piscina y Marcelo le dice a Camilo:
“Cami, t�rate tu primero a la piscina y me dices como est� el agua.”
Camilo, haci�ndole caso a Marcelo, se tira a la piscina. Cuando sale del agua, Marcelo le pregunta:
“Cami, �c�mo est� el agua?”
“�Esta la verga!”
Y Marcelo, entusiasmado le grita:
“�Ay, entonces me tiro de culo!”
If you were to stumble across George W. Bush struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President…… …. what shutter speed would you use?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as
well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim.
there was once a golfer and his caddy. The golfer and the caddy went to a night club. That
night the caddy went home with a japanese girl.
So they went into his apartment and made love for hours on end. while they were doing it the
girl started shouting out “YAKAMOUDO!”
The next day the caddy and the golfer went out golfing and there were lots of japanese tourists
there. Then the golfer got a hole in one and the
tourists yelled out “YAKAMOUDO!” The caddy said to the golfer that must mean very good. Then the golfer said actually it means wrong hole.
An airplane is about to crash into the sea, sure to leave no
survivors.
One of the stewardesses enters the cockpit asking the pilot,
“Make me feel like a woman for the last time.”
The pilot doesn’t hasitate for a second. He takes off his shirt
and says to the stewardess, “Go iron my shirt!”
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s disease. Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says ‘honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldn’t have to wear a bra quite as much.’ She was furious and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the week. The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says ‘honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldn’t have to wear a girdle quite as much. Well she was furious. Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says ‘you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn’t have to see your brother quite as much!!!”
Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes
– Something to do on a saturday night
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
“I’m sorry sir,” she said politely, “but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB.”
There were three fathers at a collage ceremony. The third father went to the bathroom. So one father said,”What should we talk about?” The other father said how about our sons. So they started talking. The first father said last night my son sold a million dollar house. Then the second father said last night my son sold a million dollar ferari. Then the third father came back. He asked what the other two fathers were talking about? They said their sons. The third father said last night my son got a million dollar house and million dollar ferari.
Santa got to one house and thar was a hot girl laying thar.She
asked if he would spend the night.He said Ho Ho got to go got to
go all the little boys and girls are whating for me.Thin she
took off all her cothes and she asked once more. He sayed ho
ho got to stay got to stay can’t go up the chemney whith my dick
this way.
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn’t impress most women.]
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]
The condom – made originally of linen – was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking, “Put that on my WHAT?”]
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]
Watch out for flying hockey pucks – they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear or you’ll get pucked.]
America’s first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]
When he’s feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female’s nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]
In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee.
[It’s known as the Sanka clause.]
The Neanderthal’s brain was bigger than yours is.
[But he couldn’t surf the Internet.]
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]
Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
[And if you connect them, they spell ‘Dummy’.]
What color was Christopher Columbus’s hair? Blonde.
[He was lost and wouldn’t ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones – Bhutan.
[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]
The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.
[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]
Every person has a unique tongue print.
[But would you want someone to ink yours?]
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
[Even if you don’t inhale.]
Women’s hearts beat faster than men’s.
[Even after death.]
When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]
Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant “plenty of excrement.”
[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh’s nickname. ]
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
[His parents never bought him a night light.]
Bubble gum contains rubber.
[But should not be used as a condom.]
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]
In high school, Robin Williams was voted “Least Likely to Succeed.”
[And most likely to grab himself.]
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
[74% think Madonna is.]
The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.
[I may never eat Jell-o again!]
The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]
Even if you cut off a cockroach’s head, it can live for several weeks.
[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
[Remember, when you’re sick, Mother knows best.]
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
[And we all know what the F represents.]
The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.
[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.
[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]
About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]
Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in ‘Some Like It Hot’.
[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
[Which explains why your teeth don’t freeze in winter.]
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
[What is the advantage of a bird that’s been dropped?]
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
[Even though most fish don’t wear lipstick.]
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
[Who volunteers to confirm this?]
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
[Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.]
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
[The same is true for people.]