Author: admin

Mowing the Lawn

Posted on by admin

A young new salesman had just started his job at a General Store ,

His boss told him that they were overstocked with Lawnmowers. If he was to sell the most Lawnmowers that day he would get a bonus in his pay.

His first customer was a woman that asked him for Sanitary Napkins.

As he calmly reached for the box he asked her if she would like to buy a Lawnmower.

The woman replied in a stern voice “what do I need a Lawnmower for”?

The young salesman answered “well you can’t have sex so you might as well mow the lawn”

Doorprize

Posted on by admin

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. ”What the hell is this?” he asks the pastor. ”Why, it’s a toilet brush.” ”Ooh, I see,” says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working. ”Well, it’s okay, but I think I’ll go back to using paper.”

Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe

Posted on by admin

10 – In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on “stun.”

9 – The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter containment unit and a crew of twenty just to go to warp — the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8 – After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable — after some Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like crap.

7 – Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

6 – Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

5 – One word: lighsabers.

4 – The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

3 – The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is class “M” or not.

2 – Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

1 – Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impluse power. Han Solo floors it.

Black Cloud

Posted on by admin

There was a black guy a mexican guy and a white guy

They all died and went to heaven When they got up there an angel said sorry guys its not time for you guys to die yet so Im going to have to send you all back But since you guys have been in Heaven you guys when you go back to earth you guys cant step on a black cloud or something bad will happen to you

So they all said ok The first week back on earth the mexican steps on a black cloud and something bad happens to him he gets the ugliest girl on earth I mean the ugliest The second week the black guy steps on a black cloud something bad happens to him he gets the second ugliest girl in the world The white guy for a year or so doesnt step on a black cloud so the angel rewards him with the most prettiest girl in the world

So the white guy his girl the most prettiest in the world her freind asks her so how did you get with the white guy she says I stepped in a black cloud

Football dictionary

Posted on by admin

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH: The children’s Christmas program director.

ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children’s Christmas program.

COMMERCIAL: Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE: The pews.

EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).

PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the
pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

RAIN DELAY: Baptism

RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who “own” their own pew.

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.

TACKLE: 1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that “new couple” to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.

PASS: When the new couple says no.

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor’s wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo