Santa Claus Ltd North PoleDecember 1999Dear Mary:I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.I was going to bring you all the gifts from the “Twelve Days of Christmas,” but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with STD’s from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming …Even worse! The Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause; eight of my reindeer are in heat; the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Movement, and those dumb-ass Liberals have scheduled Christmas in Sydney for the 5th of January…. Nevertheless, hope YOU have a merry Christmas!Yours faithfully,SantaChief Executive Officer
Author: admin
Skunk & Stump
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
DENTAL PISCATORIAL SEMINAR 1996
Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.
It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.
However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.
CURRENT PHRASE—REPLACEMENT PHRASE
NO FUCKING WAY —I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible
YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING —Really?
TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK—Have you run that by…….
NO BASTARD TOLD ME —I wasn’t involved in that.
I DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME —Perhaps I can stay and work on that.
WHO FUCKING CARES —Are you sure that’s a problem?
EAT SHIT & DIE —You don’t say.
EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER—You don’t say, sir.
KISS MY ASS—So, you’d like me to help you.
HE’S A FUCKING PRICK—He’s somewhat insensitive.
SHE’S A BALL BREAKING BITCH —She’s an agressive go getter.
YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE—You could use some more training.
THIS PLACE IS FUCKED—We’re a little disorganised today.
WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU?—You’re new here, aren’t you?
FUCK OFF SHITHEAD—Well, there you go.
YOU’RE A FUCKING WANKER —You’re a senior member: I respect you.
HA! SUCK EGGS—I wasn’t there that night.
YOU’RE FUCKING PARANOID—So, you’re from Brisbane.
YOU’RE FUCKING USELESS—So, you’re from Melbourne.
FUCK OFF—I’ll look into it and get back to you.
FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD—We’ve got enough members thanks.
HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? —Well done!
YOU FUCKING LOSER—Gee, that was unfortunate.
LIKE FUCKING HELL—I don’t believe I have the required training to accomplish that.
2 Hunters from the Bronx
After no luck 2 hunter from the Bronx decided to get back to their car and go back to Ney York. Suddenly as they were walking 1 of the men callopsed, the other rushed checked his pulse, he was dead, the man pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911 the operator said “okay the first thing to do is make sure he’s dead.” the man pulled out his rifle walked over and shot his friend in the head picked the cell phone and “okay,now what?”.
Glass wall
your momma is so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
Smart politicians
Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell ” Well Kjell, I don’t know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Kjell Magne.
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Bill. “They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second”. He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her “Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Ah, that’s simple Mr. President”, says Madeleine, “it is me!”
“Well done Madeleine,” says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.
Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: “Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?”
“Of course,” says Bondevik, “you’ve got 24 hours.”
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried – still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says “I’ll ask Gudmund Restad, he’s clever, he’ll know the answer.” He calls Restad.
“Gudmund,” he says, “tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple”, says Gudmund, “it’s me!”
“Of course” says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
“Kjell Magne”, says Lars, “I’ve got the answer: it’s Gudmund Restad”.
“No you idiot”, says Bondevik, “it’s Madeleine Albright”.
This Is For The Bills
Four football fanactics decided to go rock climbing one day. One
was a Dallas Cowboys fan. One was a Denver Broncos fan. One was
a Miami Dolphins fan. And the other was a Buffalo Bills fan.
They all thought they were the biggest fans and they wanted to
prove it.
The four men started their journey up the cliff. While they were
about half way up the Dallas Cowboys fan yelled, “This is for
the Dallas Cowboys”, and he jumped off the cliff and died.
The Denver Broncos fan was not to be out done by the Cowboys fan
so he said, “This is for the Denver Broncos”, and he too jumped
off the cliff and died.
The other two fans finaly reached the top of the cliff. Then the
Buffalo Bills fan said, “This is for the Buffalo Bills”, and
without hesitating he shoved the Miami Dolphins fan off the
cliff.
You have ever had deer
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Marriage Proposal
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Johnny went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
“Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this is cute.
“Well,” said Johnny, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s room. It’s plenty big for both of us.”
“And how will you live?”
“I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That’s should be enough.”
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie’s dad asked, “And what if little ones come along?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “we’ve been lucky so far.”
Paddy’s First Baseball Game
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now,
never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now
would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself
a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his
hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the
guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts
running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and
shouts “RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!”
A second guy steps up to the plate, and then the guy on that
hump of dirt throws that ball again. And again, the guy with the
stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again,
everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts “RUN! RUN LIKE
HELL!”
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his
hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the
ball, the guy with the stick doesn’t do anything. And the guy
squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to
the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself,
“What’s happening? Why didn’t he hit the ball?” This happens
three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.
After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick
and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts “RUN!
RUN LIKE HELL!” and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he
doesn’t have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the
batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, “WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!”
Tried to kill myself
There was a blonde and she went to the emergency room because she got shot in the hand.
The doctor asked her how she got shot in the hand. She replied,”I tried to kill myself.”
He replies”what?”
She says, “Well,first i put the gun to my chest,then thought ‘”Wait I have a 500 dollar boob job,and don’t want to mess it up”, then I put the gun to my chin, and thought “well, I just got new dental work done, don’t want that messed up”, so I put the gun to my ear,and then thought, it will be really loud, so I put my hand between the gun and my ear and pulled the trigger!”
Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers
Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.