A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer’s office. “Is it true,” said the
Priest, “that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?” “I’m afraid
you’re misinformed,” stated the lawyer, “People in your profession can look
forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this
one.”
Author: admin
Juggling Jokes
Q:How do you kill a circus?
A:Go for the juggler!
Juggler: “I think someone’s out to get me”
Friend: “what makes you think that?”
Juggler: “Yesterday I received a package containing three hand grenades!”
Juggler walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. Says to the barman ‘do you serve clowns here’
“sure” replies the barman.
‘great’ says the juggler ‘I’ll have a beer for myself and a clown for my alligator.
Q: how many jugglers does it take change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it, eight to say “I can do that” and the tenth to say “That’s my trick!”
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but they do it over and over and over again .
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but they insist on showing each variation of possible changes.
Q: What’s the difference between a juggler and a large pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Great Truths About Life
1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
Tough Guy, eh?
An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. After examining him, the doctor proclaims him in excellent health for his age.
The man says, “Hey Doc, I need to ask you a question. When I was 25, I would wake up with a hard on like a steel pipe – I couldn’t turn that thing with both hands!”
“Yes”, said the doctor, “That is normal for that age.”
“And,” said the old guy, “When I was 50, I could turn it with one hand.”
“Yes, that happens.” said the doctor.
“Now”, said the old guy, “I can bend it with one finger!”
“That’s normal for your age.” replied the doc.
“But Doc”, said the old fellow, “When am I going to stop getting stronger?”
Blow
Why was the blonde’s steering wheel covered with lipstick?
She was trying to blow the horn.
Submitted by Curtis
Submitted by Calamjo
Six Foot C#@T
Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn’t you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going BOY?” Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, “That’s speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”Bob said, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well paying job!”The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, “What kind of a job would a bum like you have?””I’m a cunt stretcher,” replied Bob.”What you say, BOY?!!” asked the patrolman. “A cunt stretcher.”Of course the cop asked, “What’s a cunt stretcher do?”Bob explained, “Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it’s six feet across.”The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, “What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?”Bob nonchalantly commented, “You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Celery!Celery who?Celery me
Knock KnockWho’s there?Celery!Celery who?Celery me you lunch will you, I’m hungry!
Why are a ‘wise man’
Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites?
What do you get when you cross a Scottish…
What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?
The Dolly Llama.
Custer joke
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer’s Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer’s mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground there was a beautiful blue lake with a single fish leaping out of the water. Around the fish’s head was a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native American couples having sex.The curator, both disgusted and baffled by what he saw, turned in rage and asked the artist, ‘What the hell has this got to do with Custer’s Last Thought?’ The artist replied, ‘Custer’s last thought: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?’
Minute Rice, Food Stamps, T-Rex
Yo mama is so stupid it takes her an hour to make minute rice.
Yo mama is so old she owes Jesus food stamps.
Yo mama is so old when she went to buy a pet she asked, “Where
did all the T-rexs go?”
Nasty Gay Joke
One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.”What the hell are you doing???” he asked his partner.The gay man’s partner looked up at him sheepishly, “Oh… I was just packing your lunch!”