Author: admin

The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men

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1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as
a public service, each question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper
answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are,
and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response
obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf.
c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by
Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what
I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response
is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That
depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e.
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an
emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn’t
call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c. A little
extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e.
Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once
again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better
personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not
as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e.
Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-
win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus
and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married? MAN: Of
course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN:
Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a
hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN:
Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would
we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem
like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her
use my golf clubs? MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-
handed. WOMAN: – – – silence – – .

What ya gonna do?

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Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin’ dad?”

His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”

Little Johnny asked, “What ya gonna do, screw him?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Be Careful What You Wish For

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Early one morning, Jerome was walking along a beach. In the sand he found a brass lamp. He decided to rub the lamp and a beautiful genie appeared.
Jerome, being quite a bright lad, said “I have released you from your prison and you must grant me 3 wishes.”

The Genie said “That is true but my powers are rusty. You will have to come back tomorrow.”

Jerome replied “Oh, but I cannot wait till tomorrow, because I am a student and must take my finals exams then.”

The Genie responded, “Very well. I will write you 3 letters of acquaintance. Give one to each of the wizards whose address I have written on the letters and they will grant you a wish on my behalf.”

Off Jerome went. On the way he wondered what to wish for and thought about his exams tomorrow. He suspected what some of the exam questions might be and thought why not be sure I have the correct answers. So he decided to ask the Wizards to unravel some perplex mysteries for him.

To the first, he asked to know the secret of how Caramel puts the caramel in their bars. Poof . . . the Wizard sent him to the Chocolate Factory and he discovered how it was done.

To the second Wizard, he asked how toothpaste could come out like a candy cane . . . with the red stripe down it. Poof . . . the Wizard send him to the Toothpaste Factory and he now knew how it was done.

To the third Wizard (whom he woke up) . . . he asked how the pyramids were built. Poof . . . Jerome found himself in the Egyptian Desert working with thousands of other slaves.

Picabo Street

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The famous female Olympic skier Picabo Street (Peek-A-Boo) is not just an
athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a
large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too
much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo,ICU.�

Quick Husband

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The scene – Husband and wife in bed.The story – Husband rolls over to wife and taps her in the shoulder. Wife says “Not tonight sweetheart I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning”.Five minutes elapses – Husband rolls over again and taps wife on the shoulder and says “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Jonnys Been Lucky

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Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him “How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?”He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.”His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?”Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”

The Fat Guy

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An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor’s office and claims that he’s
tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a
radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won’t starve to
death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through
the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he’s sure to lose weight in the
process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he’s
down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and
asks him how he’s feeling, noticing that he’s bouncing up and down in his seat
quite energetically.
“I’m feeling great, doc; never felt better!” is the reply.
“In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?” asked the doctor.
“Just chewing some gum!”