Author: admin

A man is buying a pair of jeans. When he put them up on the counter the clerk asks, “Are you buying these?”

The man says, “No, I’m stealing them, I just wanted you to see them before they were gone!”

Submitted by Curtis

A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks “Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?”Billy replies “Oh, Father O’Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service”

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer’s report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of theaccident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”

Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!” “A prostitute!” Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant”

Three Engineers and three Managers are going to a conference and had to travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Managers bought their three tickets and watched as the three Engineers bought only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked a Manager.

“Just watch and you’ll see,” answered an Engineer.

They all board the train and the Managers took their seats and watched as all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departed and shortly afterward, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.”

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Managers saw all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Managers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (expense reports).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a single ticket?” asked one Manager.

“Just watch and you’ll see,” answered an Engineer. They board the train. The three Managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three Engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers left his restroom, walked over to the Managers stall, knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”