Wise Old Gentleman vs. Noisy Kids

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating
merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to
see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll
give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every
day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really
putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on,
I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,
the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way
down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check
yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think
we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man
enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

Prison Carpentry

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden new that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time. Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate. One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the warden’s surprise, Andy simply refused to help. “But, you’re an expert. Andy, I really need your help,” said the warden. “Gosh, warden, I’d really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”

Message to Mom

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have any money…. and I *must* get a message to her, it’s urgent!… I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”The clerk replies “Anything?” “Yes…. ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. “Unzip me…”She does. “Take it out….. go ahead.” She does this as well.She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead.. do it..”She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello?…. Mom?”

De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
An’ all ower de hood;
ereybody wuz’ sleepin’;
Dey wuz sleepin’ good.

We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de’ heck;
That ol Sanna Clause;
Be bringin’ our check.

All o’de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Dance tru’ dey heads.

I passed out inna’ flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: “It mus be de law!!!”

I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
‘spectin’ de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, “Lawd look at dat!!”
Ther’ wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po’lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An’ called dem by name!

On Leroy, on ‘Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta’ mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo’ sho’;
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn’t go down no chimbley;
He picked da’ lock on my doe;
An’ I sez to myself;
“Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!”

He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I ‘xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun’ my neck.

But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar’s kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda’ tried to catched him;
But he stoled my ‘nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda’ mellon;
an’ whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon’;
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin’:
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz’ diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus’ ain’t werf a shit!!!

Two men in the Bar

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy
him a drink.
“Why of course�, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say. I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have
another round to Ireland.”

“Of course�, replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin�, comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it says the first man. � I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have
another drink to Dublin!” The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“St. Mary’s,” replied the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”

“This is unbelievable,” the first man says. “I went to St. Mary’s and I
graduated in ’62, too!”

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O�Malley twins are drunk again.”

Where have you been?

Where have you been?

One day, after having his dinner, a man decides to go
down to the local bar to buy cigarretts. In the bar,
he decides to order a drink and notices a beautiful
blonde giving him the eye. He decides to go over and
strike up a conversation. She invites the man over to
her apartment for sex and he agrees. They go and they
have the best sex he’s ever had. He then realizes that
it is very late and his wife is going to kill him. He
asks the blond if she has any talcum powder and she
hands him a bottle. He sprinkles powder all over his
hands and rushes home. His wife immediately attacks
him “Where the hell have you been? I thought you were
only going out for cigarretts?” The man replies,
“Honey, I’m sorry. I did go for cigarrettes, but then
I decided to have a drink. Next thing you know, this
real hot blond comes up to me and asks me over to her
place for sex. Only a real dumbass would have said no
to a hot piece like that, so I accepted, we got to her
place and had every kind of sex possible. I’m really
sorry, honey.” She notices the powder on his hands and
replies, “Do I look stupid to you, you son of a bitch?
I see the powder on you hands. You went out bowling
with the boys!!”

Old Bessie

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, “Looks like a bad carburettor to me.”Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer.”Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?” he asked.The farmer replied, “The brown and white one? Yep, that’s old Bessie.”The man then said, “Well my car’s broken down, and she just said, ‘Looks like a bad carburettor to me.'”The farmer shook his head and said, “Don’t mind old Bessie, son. She don’t know a thing about cars.”

History Test (not really humor…)

1. Which state has the fewest counties?2. How many state names are one syllable?3. Which state passed a resolution in order that its name be pronounced properly.4. In which state is there a well pumping oil from the ground under the state capitol building?5. In which state were the most Revolutionary War battles fought?6. How many states are named after a president? — Scroll Down For Answers —1. Alaska, has no counties.2. only Maine3. Arkansas4. Oklahoma5. South Carolina6. Washington

Watcha Gonna Be Son?

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks…
“Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?”

The man curls his eyebrows and asks “huh?”
The old man gets up and says “wait right here.”

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

” Ok, here’s how it works…
If the boy grabs the beer he’s gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he’s gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he’s gonna be a preacher.”

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts…
“HOT DANG SON – HE’S A DEMOCRAT!”

Different Perspectives

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, ”Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up – you look so excited.”

The groom replies, ”I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, ”Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”

The bride replies ”I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.”