Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Author: admin
Your mama so poor
yo mama is so poor that she ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Hail to the Moron
It’s finally come out why George W. is pushing childhood literacy. He wants America’s children to be better off than he is.
#1 Your Momma Joke
Your momma is fat she sat on a dollar and four quarters pop out.
Mole Viagra
Once there was this guy who was having trouble getting up for
sex, so he goes to his friend and tell him his problem to see if
he’s got anything that can help. His friend reaches into the
cupboard and hands him some ointment and tells him to rub it on.
So when the guy gets home he puts it on and then it starts to
get up, so he screws his wife. After that he calls his friend
and thanks him so he keeps taking them.
Three days later his friend calls him on the phone and tells him
he gave him the wrong tube. So the guy gets the tube and reads
it, it said, “Mole Remover: Apply three days, the mole gets hard
and then falls off.”
Quiz Show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!”
“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”
“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’
And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.'”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”
“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good.
Six seconds.” “Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”
“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”
PERSONAL HYGIENE
–Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.
–While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
–Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if
you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
–Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
–Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and
a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It’s a
good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Lewinski/Kaczynski Limericks
Three limericks from a Long Island contest where you had to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski.There once was a gal named LewinskyWho played on a flute like Stravinsky ‘Twas ”Hail to the Chief” On this flute made of beefThat stole the front page from Kaczynski.Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. LewinskyWe don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dressAnd wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.Lewinsky and Clinton have shownWhat Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letterGiven the choice of how to be blown.
90’s Mentality Signs
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast-food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in better touch with your family is that they don’t have E-mail addresses.
* Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks.
* You have a “to do” list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks –and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
* You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
* Standard pick-up lines now include references to liquid assets and capital gains.
* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as “the flat filing cabinet.”
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored sticky notes.
* Your grocery list has been on the front of your fridge so long some of the products don’t even exist any longer.
* You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on how to improve their production and marketing processes.
* You get all excited when it’s Saturday — and that just means you can wear your sweats to work.
* You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as “deliverables.”
* You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what it is you do for a living.
* You typically eat out of vending machines, and at the most expensive restaurant in the city, within the same week.
* You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are standard and acceptable English phrases.
* You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
* You ask your friends to, “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.
* You think Einstein would have been more effective if he put his ideas into matrix.
* You think a “half day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
* You hear most of your jokes via E-mail instead of in person.
Perfect Wife
No.1 said “I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel”
No.2 replied, “How lucky for you. Mines still alive.”
Playing in his room
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.”
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, “Golly, it worked!”
Puzzled, his mother asked, “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny replied, “Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!”
Wise Old Gentleman vs. Noisy Kids
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating
merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to
see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll
give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every
day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really
putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on,
I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,
the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way
down the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check
yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?”
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think
we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man
enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days