Author: admin

Message to mom

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A blonde goes into a world-wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, “I don’t have any money but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!”

To that the man asks, “Anything?”

And the blonde says, “Yes, anything!”

With that, the man says “Follow me.”

He walks into the next room and tells her to enter and shut the door. The blonde complies.

He then says “Get on your knees” and she does that as well.

He then says “Unzip my fly” and she does.

He then says “Go ahead and take it out.”

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, “Well, go ahead!”

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..

She says “HELLO, MOM?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis, Tantilazing, yisman and Glaci

air flight

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I am sick of air flight assistants and piolets being so nice “i
hope you enjoyed your meal sir” “i am very sorry bet here will
be a slight bit of turblence i’m sorry for any
inconvenience”.just once i mould like the piolet to come over
the PA system and say “ladys & gentelmen i have just found out
that we have 4 high power engians capabul of giveing us 400g
forces each so we’re going to go for the new world speed record,
we do realise this is very irresponsible but we are board out of
our brains up here in the cocpit, there will be a hel of alot of
turbelence as we go thrugo the sound barrier and a very real
chance that the wings will be ripped of”.

Lewinski/Kaczynski Limericks

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Three limericks from a Long Island contest where you had to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski.There once was a gal named LewinskyWho played on a flute like Stravinsky ‘Twas ”Hail to the Chief” On this flute made of beefThat stole the front page from Kaczynski.Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. LewinskyWe don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dressAnd wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.Lewinsky and Clinton have shownWhat Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letterGiven the choice of how to be blown.

Quiz Show

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Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!”

“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”

“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’
And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.'”

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”

“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good.
Six seconds.” “Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”

“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

The Old Monk

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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices,
however,
that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He
points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that
error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says “We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the
copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has
seen him. So, one of the other monks goes downstairs to look for
him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and
finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“The word is celebrate” sobs the old monk.

Wise Old Gentleman vs. Noisy Kids

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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating
merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to
see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll
give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every
day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really
putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on,
I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,
the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way
down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check
yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think
we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man
enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days