Your breath’s so stinky, I don’t know whether I should give you a breath mint or toilet paper!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
The Top 14 New Features in Windows
14> With optional metal probe, Microsoft’s “Explorer” now explores more than just web sites.
13> Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.
12> Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry ass.
11> Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.
10> Now incompatible with *all* hardware and software, instead of just the ones that I buy.
9> Crumple zones!
8> New “No Monopoly To See Here” background featuring a scrolling “Gee you’re looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno” message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.
7> Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.
6> Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying, “I can’t do that, Dave.”
5> Final installation screen displays the message: “Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless.”
4> First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!
3> Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!
2> New “Gatesland, Gatesland uber alles” welcome screen.
1> Free technical support until 1901!
[ The Top 5 List ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]Yo mama is so ugly
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.
An old car that has served you so well will…
- An old car that has served you so well will continue to
serve you until you have just put four new tires under it
and then it will fall apart.
Koala With Hooker
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she’ll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him “Hey, you have to pay for that”. The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.The prostitute yells at him again, “Hey you have to pay for that. I’m a prostitute”. She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.PROSTITUTE(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.KOALA(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
Lil Old Lady
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.
The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.
The lady tells him that she’s an avid gambler. The bank president says “You must be the luckiest person that I’ve ever met, to win so much!” “No” replies the lady, “I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things.”
The bank president smiles and says “No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing”. “I’ll prove it!” says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. “O.K…I have looked into your future and I’m afraid there’s bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square.”
The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says “Look, I’ll bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I can’t win – there’s no such thing as A sure thing…right?” By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. “O.K fine!” he yells “You got a bet!”.
“Wonderful!” proclaims the lady, “I’ll see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00.” The man replies “Lady, I don’t care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!”
That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, he’s greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.
“Well” says the lady, “Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?”
The bank pres. smiles and replies “I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape they’ve always been. Not the slightest bit square.” “What!” cries the lady, “That can’t be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I won’t pay one cent until I’ve examined the testicles myself!”
The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies “Under the circumstances, I suppose that’s not unreasonable” and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams “DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOU’VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!” and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.
At this point the bank president is completely lost. “What in the hell was that all about?” he asks. “Oh,” says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag “I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So here’s the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account”
Induhviduals
Office Pranks on Induhviduals
—————————–
My favorite prank report from the field:
“A friend of mine who works with MRI machines bet the medical
salesman that he could not toss his wallet through the opening
in the MRI magnet–the one the patients’ head goes
through–without having the wallet touch the sides.
The Induhvidual’s wallet included all of his credit cards, which
were instantly demagnetized in the process.
Although it cost my friend a soda, the snicker factor made it
well worth the price.”
True Tales of Induhviduals
————————–
These true reports were filed by anonymous DNRC operatives:
Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes
and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I
said, “sure.”
The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?” I
turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and
is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by
plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the
floor are both covered with water.
manager someday.]
Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?”
I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”
He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was
for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light
is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people
doing DRIVING???”
Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving
the company due to “rightsizing,” our manager spoke up and said,
“This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.”
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like
deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her
system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare “double sighting”):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought
if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font
they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another
friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard
drive?”
Induhvidual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that
Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that
enough?”
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Induhvidual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Induhvidual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Induhvidual: How do you spell that?
Sighting #9 (from Tech Support):
We received a support call from a customer who had problems
connecting to some dial-in lines. He said he found a solution to
his connection problems and would like to share it with us.
When he heard his modem retraining upon dialing in, he would
pick up the phone and make a “Kckgkth” noise, like a modem, into
the phone. Then he would hang up and get a reliable connection.
He told us he would be glad to record this noise and send it to
us so that our other customers could benefit from it.
After we stopped rolling on the floor laughing, we told him he
was just inserting line noise and was connecting at a lower
speed.
Shoot-out
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Unfertilized.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Political Spelling C
If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He’s the only one who knows that harass is one word.
Michael Jackson in Wal Mart
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal Mart?
A: Because he heard that boys pants were half off.
Drunk Driver
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: “Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.”
“Boobs” the drunk replied.
Submitted by Calamjo