A old couple are in the bedroom and the husband goes to the bathroom and when he comes out he finds his wife doing a hand stand and asks, “What are you doing?”She replies, “I figure since you can’t get it up you can just drop it in.”
Author: admin
Russian genie
Boris was working in the potato fields,when he found a lamp. he rubbed it to clean it up when a genie appeared. the genie gave him one wish.boris did not believe the genie so he asked the genie to make his pee turn into the finest russian vodka the land has ever tasted.the genie said that will be done ,whenever you pee it will be vodka. boris went home that night to tell his wife,natasha, about the experience with the genie.together they decided to taste boris’ pee and sure enough it did taste like vodka, in fact the best they had ever tasted.so every night after work boris would rush home from the fields and promptly set out two glasses and then pee into each one for him and natasha to enjoy the vodka.one night boris came home and set out one glass,natasha noticed this and asked him if they were going to drink vodka tonite and boris replied,”yes my dear we are,but tonite you drink from the bottle”.
Expression
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute!” said the writer, “this is just as bad as hell.”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”
Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have a Yard to Protect
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark…
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll hink it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. …Eat a shoe.
Arithmetic
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she
said, “if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached
in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?” “Somebody
else’s pants.”
Your momma
your mommas so fat she went in the ocean, found a whale, and the whale sang ” We are family even though your fatter than me!!!”
Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down.”And he did!The straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said “Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!”The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!”And he did!So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said “Let us in! “The wolf just blew down our houses and we’re scared!”So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down.”While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras.They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf bleeding on the street.The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, “Who the hell were those guys?”And the brick pig said, “Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs.”
Brand New Cock
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her
that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten
years and had wanted a baby very badly. she got on a bus, and on
her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with
someone.
The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to
share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the
best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with
someone or I’ll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had
told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He
said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying
eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning
and all of his hens had layed eggs. I was so happy, “but
confidentially, I changed cocks.” he said. The newly pregnant
woman responded, “Confidentially, me too.”
Just when you thought you
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race
along come faster rats.
Un individuo llega a un
Un individuo llega a un prost�bulo y grita:
“�Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!”
Ninguna de las mujeres se atrev�a, as� que vuelve a gritar:
“�Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!”
Por fin sale una de ellas y dice:
“Yo mero.”
“�Como yo quiera?”}
“S�, como t� lo quieras…”
Suben al cuarto y prau, prau, prau hacen el amor. La muchacha extra�ada le dice: “Qu� tuvo de especial.”
“�Te acuerdas que te dije que era como yo quisiera?”
“S�”, reponde la muchacha.
“Pues lo quiero fiadito, fiadito, fiadito…”
on death's door
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”
Mhath
yek roz yek pesar doste samimie khodesho mibine mige pesare salam doste samime mige chera sot mizani vaghti harf mizani doste samimi mige boro doktor onam mire va badan mire doktor monshie mige pesar hala doktor miad dar hale inkam monshiam mach mikone kiss kiss va bade 10 min monshi mige boro pishe doktor va pesaram raft va doktor goft marzit chie darhale inkam doktoram bo bo pppppppp va akharesh doktor dava mide be pesare va badan pesare davaro mikhore va vai vai mige ssssssssssss kiss kiss kiss bo bo pppppppppppppp